hey ya.
I immediately thought of the Manga series 'God Child' by my beloved Kaori Yuki. There she often quotes old nursery rhymes and stuff. I took the one from book 2 of 'God Child', page 127(in case anyone knows it...german version though, I translated the bit of the nursery rhyme so I dunno if it's anywhere close to the original verse), it's in the beginning of my song, the italic lines. I imagine a little child saying this in the background of the intro(like in the song 'a spindle, a darkness, a fever and a necklace' by Bright Eyes). here you go:
Under stones, beneath my shoes, beneath the snow
Momma killed me
Daddy ate me
My sisters and brothers got my bones
They buried me under cold, cold stones
The leaves are cracking beneath my shoes
As I stumble down the avenue
Ah, it's the very act of breathing
Which is becoming increasing..ly
Difficult for me
With the taste of the withered autumn leaves
Coughing on my weakness in a fit of agony
My head's way too much like a theatre, where
All the prompters flare with all their
Contradictory words of all the
Cue cards they want me to utter
I'm afraid my brain is way too slow picking up
Their voices make a buzzing noise, just stop!
I've given up on Loral trees, don't feel guilty
And enjoy your 15 minutes of fame without me
I've gotta go and turn to dust beneath the snow
Of everything, foolish games of friend or foe
Excuse me, friends, I've been staying way too long
I never was your well-mannered companion
Don't you pierce me with your eyes so appalled
Shut up Arienette, I can't bear you being that cynical
Wonder how you've figured out way too many of
The things I never had the guts to talk about
I never-ever wanted you to see my naked body
To someone as tender as you it must seem ghastly
With the taste of the withered autumn leaves
Coughing on my bitterness in a fit of negativity
Excuse me, friends, I've been staying way too long
I've trouble to articulate, dance, dance to the song
Don't look back at me except you perform a pirouette
The avalanche hasn't covered me yet, be sure my hands will clap
Take it as praise from someone poor
Throat as sore as never before
Ah, even if you don't perceive
One single syllable, I wi..ll
Be singing still
On my tongue the taste of withered autumn leaves
On the cue cards weird rhymes of nursery
Coughing on my courage in a fit of anxiety
hope you like it as much as I do;)
was taking me a while to sort out the verses so it has got a bit of structure now.
cheers.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
bluenightangel,
Regarding the writing you chose to write about... Yuck! -- eewwwww.
That out of the way, regarding the song you wrote, It's wonderful. I'm fairly sure I like it as much as you do. The structure is terrific. It's going to take me a few reads (like always) to get everything you're saying here, but a first-pass knee-jerk reaction is that it's just terrific. You have some fabulous lines in here. I particularly like all the references to "withered atumn leaves."
I didn't really get the line about Arianette. I mean, I get the gist of it, but Arianette is mentioned exactly once in the whole song. So if she's a critic, or an acquaintance or whatever relation she has to the character, perhaps you could use that relationship in lieu of her name to make that line a bit more general.
On the whole, I think this may be the best thing I've read of yours. Very well done. I can't wait to get back to it and re-read it a few times.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
some quick impressions, i'm late for class
i love the internal rhymes. i can only imagine how good they sound sung. the imagery is intruiging. the structure is complex. there's no real off-the-cuff criticism i can make, i'll have to take a more in depth look (i'll just edit this post, check back).
good work,
Patrick
Hi,
Good work, I like it. There are some brillaint lines in there.
This one is my particular favourite:
With the taste of the withered autumn leaves
Coughing on my bitterness in a fit of negativity
The only thing I can suggest is that you take a look at the meter, I mean I may just not follow it, but to me some of the lines seem a little too long. Read it aloud and you may see what I mean, but then again you may not.
Good stuff,
Pete. :)
Why Do Other Peoples Shipbuilding When you Could Go Diving For Pearls Of Your Own?
Again, I am simply amazed at the level of your work 8) 8) I'm like Scratch here, I have to read it a few more times. I find that every time i read it i find new things i like about it. This would work well as a poem if you did not set it to music. :D :D --the dog
I know virtually nothing about manga, so wasn't sure where to start....but the short poem at the start gave me a clue....anyway, a really cool and unusual place to seek inspiration....
You mentioned Leonard Cohen in a recent post, this strikes me as being in a similar vein...a sort of cross between that and the Velvet Underground (with Nico).....
The lyrics are good, imagery is spot on...now if I just knew something about the source!!!!
One little thing......."I've given up on Loral trees".......if that is meant to be Laurel, you might want to change that to "I've given up on Laurel leaves".....fits in with the leaf motif you've already used, and also the fact that they're associated with winners (i.e. Grand Prix winners....) would fit the writer's doomed outlook........
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
hey all.
great you like it, too:)
Yuck! -- eewwwww :lol: ...well you're right in a way.......it's just a nursery rhyme(anyway if that's good for little children to hear...probably not).
thanks for the kind words(especially for that one starting with t and ending with errific)..btw 'first-pass knee-jerk' sounds awesome, don't fully understand it but I get the gist of it;)
Arienette is a character that appears from time to time in Conor Oberst's Songs(Bright Eyes, if you wanna read 2 examples look for the lyrics of 'arienette' and 'sunrise, sunset'). On the record 'fevers and mirrors' there's a hilarious(faked?) interview with conor oberst where he is asked how this arienette would fit into all this and he says he prefers not to talk about it, in case she's listening. then the interviewer is like I didn't realize she's a real person, conor: no she's not. I made her up. interviewer: so she's not real. conor: just as real as you or I. interviewer: er..I don't think I understand. conor: neither do I but when I grow up I will. h-i-l-ar-i-o-u-s :lol: conor is another genius I adore. sorry for getting long-winded but I just wanted to let you know a bit of why I wanted her to show up in my song. actually the verse following is still adressing Arienette, so she's not just there once:)
thank you very much for the praise;))
and thanx to patrick and pete. hey, I read it aloud a minute ago and was surprised at how good it sounded(that's rare! :wink: ) so I guess I didn't encounter the problems with the meter you realized..........just thought if it will not work musically I can still record it like reading and a bit of music in the background- a poem, as you said, smokindog:)
vic, if you weren't that far away I'd just come over and lend you that manga :D can you get it in England? if so, maybe take a seat in a bookstore and have a look at it if you have the time.
hey I listened to Velvet Underground and Nico a week ago(library), a best of. I didn't like all of the songs there but some were really cool('I'll be your mirror'!).
Oh damnit of course you're right about 'laurel'! :oops: I never thought about changing it to leaves...hm.. just took laurel trees because of Bright Eyes again..there's that one line: 'I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy' (know what, I had to really force myself not to quote the whole song because it's so beautiful as all their songs are)
your idea of the laurel leaves being associated with winners is pretty close to what I was aiming at. For me it doesn't matter if it's 'leaves' or 'trees'(except that trees might have a stronger effect...exaggeration). so if you feel like it'd sound better, then hey no prob, I'll change it.
thank you for pointing out that 'laurel' thing. :wink:
soo......long post again;)
THANK YOU GUYS!
*waving*
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
