hey... could come up with some ideas and some beginnings, but it was difficult since there has been a similiar assignment before and I didn't want to repeat myself... finally got something, so here it goes:
burial of a flower.
You can't trust in any of these maps
Nor rely on that collapsing compass
The intuition you lack dumps you on the pile of garbage
That once was an inspired, a promising mind
It's almost decomposed now after all this time
In your vulnerability which makes you look younger than you really are
You turn to the barely readable pages of a blithe past,
Hoping they will salvage and not forsake you like those indifferent stars
You have not yet begun to realize
The petals you tear off and leave behind
To mark your stumbling steps in this forest of pines
Most likely will not lead you home
You are abandoned by the past, abandoned
Even though the flower's beauty gloomed to compete with the moon
Its dead petals just won't, darkness will swallow you
As you tread on the tiny carcasses you have strewn
...what do you think?
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Honestly.
I think its drivel, I'm becoming more and more convinced that you just sit there with a thesaurus looking for obscure words to try and make yourself sound deep.
I am also convinced that if you were male, nobody would praise you.
I used to enjoy your writing, but now its become predictable in its unpredictability, and its frankly boring.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
"But Mommy, the Emperor has no clothes."
Actually Angel, I thought you had some interesting lines, but you sort of lost me (again) after the first verse. And I was beginning to think I was just a little dense, but apparently I'm not the only one who has trouble understanding what you're trying to say. Um, I really do feel, and maybe I'm wrong that there is a difference between poetry, and songs. There are many poems that I read and after a while (possibly because of my own ignorance) I just feel like I'm talking to Charlie Brown's parents. That's okay 'cause it gives colleges reasons to invent more elective English classes. "And now class, let's analyze this poem." Once you figure out what they're saying, you think it's great, but like legal documents a part of you just wishes they would've just said that in the first place. But that's poetry, and like I said, maybe I'm just too ignorant to get some of it. But I don't think songs should be that cryptic. Could you maybe try writing one song that I can get without having to read it seven times? Just say what you mean and feel without looking for dark, elaborate ways to "beatnick in a coffee house" it up? Just a thought. I'd be truly interested to read one of those. Thanks.
Joe
hi
I think there is some very harsh statements here but each to thier own
I rather enjooy your work , second line first verse I have some trouble with though .
all in all I like it
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Hey Spadge,
Was that a joke? You made a number of harsh statements, but only the last is defensible (I do not necessarily agree, but at least it is defensible). The gender accusation was way out of line.
Hey Blue,
You have not yet begun to realize
The petals you tear off and leave behind
To mark your stumbling steps in this forest of pines
Most likely will not lead you home
You are abandoned by the past, abandoned
This part evoked a strong mental image, but the rest seemed a little flat. I'll reread tomorrow when I get some sleep.
As far as Spadge's comments... while overly harsh, he may have a point about predictabliity. I think you would find growth as writer to try and write something other now and then... this is, after all, a place to experiment. At the same time, I think the rest of us need to try to write like you more often than we do.
What I didn't get about his criticism is that many of us write pretty predictably, so why he chose to lash out so harshly at your particular version of predictablility, I do not know. And as for the rest of the statements... to my mind the rest of the statements were pure rubbish.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
No it was not a joke, and I'm not going to be making any apologies for anything I have said.
Honestly I hate it, and the reason I dont post any songs on this site anymore is because of rubbish like this, that can never be set to music, and trust me I have actually gone to the mp3 links when they have been posted, and the proof is in the pudding.
For me its just random nonsense, that unlike say Bowie in his Ziggy days or even a Tori Amos now, just meanders aimlessly.
As for the gender bias, you go on to any chat room/forum anywhere, and as soon as there is a female present, everyone's all, hi, hello, how many ways can I show you I'm a spotty faced computer nerd that desperately wants to get laid.
I have in the past defended some of bluenightangels work, and my defence of her back then was justified as the writing was fresh. Now as I have said, its boring, deep for the sake of it, and is the kind of stuff that would make a sane person shoot themselves.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
ouch...............................
the kind of stuff that would make a sane person shoot themselves.
boy, thank you, I was weeping already.
I have to calm down a bit before replying, so for the moment, thank you lotto king and slowplay for taking some of the harshness away.
oh and lotto king, if you meant the following line: "You turn to the barely readable pages of a blithe past," ....that was supposed to mean that the person seeks shelter/advice in the stories of his/her childhood, like "hänsel and gretel"(however the fairy tale's called in english) where they leave crumbs of bread behind to find their way back(or was that in another tale...? I'm confused now, sorry)- the person tries to do the same with petals of a flower.
sorry, can't write. can't think anymore.
later,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
thnx angel
I know reading some of this may bit a hard for you right now but I am sure that you can prove your criitics wrong .
Like I said before each to their own , not everyone likes Eric Clapton but he is still one of the greatest
take care :wink:
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Hey Angel,
I think Rick Nelson said it best, "If you can't please everyone, you have to please yourself." Writing is a way of expressing yourself, and no one should ever be discouraged from doing so, and it's obvious that some people get your stuff and like it, and more importantly you enjoy writing it, so don't stop just because one person or even several don't. We're all different. It's what makes the world go 'round. It's a forum, and while some writers might be better than others, it's not like anyone here will be opening in Madison Square Garden anytime soon, so who are we to judge? So suck it up, honey, and post your next song. If you wanna appeal to the dense ones like myself who don't always get what you're saying you could sure try. If you don't, that's okay too. But it sure isn't worth crying about.
Joe
thank you.
don't say you're dense just because you don't get it. maybe it really is cryptic and meaningless. well it meant something to me. I'm not trying to appeal to or offend anyone by posting, really. thanks for encouraging.
sorry folks.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
.... just to conclude this topic for myself ....
spadge, I am sorry that you think it is crap and I'm sorry to have disappointed you. but even if you hate my work and my efforts to set some of them to music (I never said I was an expert, I know I'm a poor singer&guitar player, you are not the first to certify that, but it is fun to do these things just for myself and if you don't like them you don't need to listen) you shouldn't let that keep you from posting your own stuff.
the gender thing... I never felt superior or anything and I am certainly not currying favour with how you called them "computer nerds wanting to get laid".
as for the thesaurus, I do use it and I have used it here- for the words "blithe" and "salvage". I first had "happy" instead of blithe but happy is a word I don't like that much and I fell in love with the sound of "blithe". I had "deliver" first instead of "salvage", but thought that would flow better with "forsake". I use thesauruses not trying to gain meaning/depth, I use them to replace words I have used too often or when I can't think of the right expression and they help me to expand my vocab.
really I hate disappointing people and I can't stand people being mad at me. I guess, I'm rather thin-skinned.
so spadge, I am aware of your opinion, I hope we can leave it at that. peace?
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Bluenightangel,
I don't totally disagree with Spadge but do disagree with the way he states some of his comments. You know like Joe I consider myself one of the "dense" ones and sometime don't get your writing, but I find it challenging.
Gender has nothing to do with how I,and I'm sure many others here, critque the work here.
Yes you do get predictable sometimes, but don't we all.
I'm sure people look at my post and say " Oh here's some more doom and gloom rhyming crap from that A--hole Celt" They are free to have thiee opinion as much as anybody.
My suggestion to you would be to try to write more from the heart than the head and try to do that in as few words as possible.
This might be a good exercise for you.
Keep writing
Celt
The intuition you lack dumps you on the pile of garbage
Just a quick suggestion. I don't like the word "garbage". To me that word just sounds kind of outta place there, and I could never really see myself or someone else singing it in a song. 'Dunno, just my opinion.
What about:
The intuition you lack strands you along the way.
Or something to that effect. I think it has similar meetings and would sound much "gooder" when or sung. Heh. Moving on ...
Blue,
I too, didn't really get what you were trying to say. But does that matter to you? In my opinion we write only for ourselves and to get things out that we can't in other ways. And if someone else likes it along the way that's just a bonus. Happy writing! G. :)
Good for you, bouncing back Bluenightangel. :)
From my own experience, if you write personal stuff in that style, then sooner or later someone will tell you that it's incomprehensible, or junk or whatever. :cry: And sometimes they're not entirely wrong. :?
Like others here, I didn't have much clue what the song was supposed to be saying, but I admired a lot the way that you didn't just disappear for a week when you were criticised.
Like Joe, I'd like to hear you write a song that had more accessible imagery, and was a bit more "songy" and not quite so heavy on the poetic side. But it's your call, and your songs. Hang in there. :)
