hey :wink:
just been scribbling some stuff for this week's assignment. couldn't manage to keep the rhyme pattern AABB throughout the whole song, but well, that'd be tiring, wouldn't it? ..at least that's my excuse :wink: I think these are some of my easier and simpler songs, though you might have problems with the meaning of 'two stars out of five'. may it help if I tell you that I got that expression from a review? like the rating: two stars out of five. has a bit different meaning in the song, though.
Two stars out of five
You stare in bewilderment
At the bouquet of roses he sent
His letter says he awaits your reply
You feel like you really should but you'll again deny
He wanders his apartment
His weary heart is quite impatient
So he calls halfway through the night
All he gets for an answer is “Two stars out of five.â€
Sounds ridiculously like goodbye
Child, are you looking for the star
He pointed at saying “There you areâ€
He wishes on that celestial body
He gave her in a rush of adrenaline
Instead of “I love youâ€
Now they're almost through
He wonders why
She didn't simply say “Goodbyeâ€
Charily scattered hope rises again
She might have meant something different
While he turns his back on the chasm
In order to withstand approaching sarcasm
She releases her boundaries, this was no lie
Nor a riddle, really just “Two stars out of five.â€
Not to devour integrity
Not to disappear in anonymity
Not to challenge his intelligence
“Two stars out of five†is all she meant.
can I jump from 'you' to 'her' like that or is it better to just have 'you' instead of 'she' and 'her' all the time?
Mirror
When I get to see you on Mondays
You always kinda complain
“It could be better than thatâ€
Yeah, probably true, I guess
Well, I know where you come from
It's been a struggle to stumble on
And I would sympathize with the wretched
But you never say anything else
It might be the Mondays
That are the hardest to bear
Yet I bet you're never satisfied,
You think too highly of life
That's why you crush down that deep
You crumble
You fumble
You talk to the mirror
Though I never answer
Not sure I would
Even if I could
‘Cause that cure still has to be invented
You take till the doc says you've mended
Without getting addicted
Addicted to it,
That would be so likely
For you who climbs so stubbornly
Just to drop from the highest peak.
let me know what you think :wink:
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
bluenightangel,
Two Stars Out of Five I'll give four and half stars. It may be just me but I would correct the tense so it is the same all the way through. You did a nice job as far as the assignment goes. Mirror is a very good song but it seems like you tried to force the rhyme scheme in at the end. All and all I find both of these to be more accessable than I sometimes find your work.
Hope you don't take that the wrong way. I like your stuff. It's just your infulences and taste are very different from mine and sometime that makes it hard for me to understand where you're coming from.
Celt
I like it Angel
nice
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
I'm gonna have to reply twice, coz I can't concentrate on both at one time.
2*/5:
I agree, 4 and a half stars!!! It is somewhat more accessible than your usual stuff. One of the best things about your songs is that you have to read them a few times to really get into them, but '2 stars' comes to you pretty much first time. Second time through I had it! Maybe it's the rhyming scheme thing doing that to you.
Personally I don't think you need to change the you/her/she etc thing. I was able to follow it OK. It's when the narrator changes that songs get confusing; no such problems here.
Sounds ridiculously like goodbye
- that is possibly the best line I have ever seen you come up with.
Great stuff. And then you go and write more!!!
Back in a second.
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
For a second I thought it wasn't going to be, but Mirror is (relatively) simple too, isn't it.
Good though.
I can see what Celt means about the rhymes. Might be better with a re-work outside the 'restrictions' of this weeks SSG (you have, after all, already written something this week!).
Also, I was wondering as I read it whether the mirror was going to have some kind of 'angle' - like being in love with the person or hating them, but it seemed to just be just annoyance and indifference we are getting from the 'mirror'. Maybe something you could look at in a re-work. Up to you.
Only '2 stars out of five' for this one...!!! ha ha!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
so hey folks.
you are right about it being more accessible this week(but just wait until I post song nr.3 :lol: ) and I think you got it nailed G, it's probably the rhyme scheme doing it to me. I just got the feeling it limits me a lot but maybe I just have to work with it differently... but there were lots of places where I thought, if I could have just one line now that doesn't rhyme here or 3 lines that rhyme not just 2. to break the order a bit.
anyways thank you guys, you really helped me, I see the weakness of 'mirror' now and maybe will have another go at it(got to take care of the last christmas presents for now first :D ). like the suggestions you made, G. might be able to bring them in, if I get around to rewriting it.
thank you.
bluenightangel
[edited:] hey G, just noticed you put mirror in '..' .. may not mean anything but I just wanted to make clear that it is really the mirror talking, the reflection, if you like and if you like then you can go as far as to saying the person despises him-/herself..... does this add anything? anyways :wink:
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
