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Y7W16 - Insomnia

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Classico
(@classico)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 65
Topic starter  

Hi everyone, finally managed to get emberessment out of the way and i think i'll be joining you guys for a few weeks 8)
it's a duet of two lovers who broke up, at day they just get along fine with their life but at night they can't sleep and are thinking about each other.

Insomnia

I'm not getting any sleep tonight
I'm very much aware and unaware
The day flows by without you
It's very much the middle of the night

I walk around the room and try a different angle
The bed seems so unwilling
I think that you would like to be with me again
But like the bed…

Insomnia has got the better of me, it got the best
Night turns to day in my imagination
That's when you want me back.

I'd be lying if I said I think about you all the time
But it's safe to say that things just don't go smoothly
The day flows by without you
My nights are getting long

Empty streets are home for me now
Filled with promise of tomorrow
As I walk them I just know that it will never come to pass

Insomnia has got the better of me, it got the best
Night turns to day in my imagination
That's when I want me back.


   
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KR2
 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

Welcome back to GN, Classico and . . . welcome to SSG.

Reads pretty good to me . . .
I had just one problem with this line,
I walk around the room and try a different angle
and thought you might want to consider this

I squirm around (on) the bed and try a different angle

Again, welcome

KR2

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

+1 on the welcome :D

Good start on the song :D It looks like you have a handle on the emotions involved. I like this line "I'm very much aware and unaware" The rhyme sceme seems to float around a bit, but that might work out fine depending on the music you choose.

Suggestion:
Consider adding a few more details as to why they are fighting... is this the first major fight?...reoccuring problem? Maybe tell what happened that day from a "he said...then she said" back and forth exchange...there are plenty of topics men and women don't agree on... :wink: but you have a great idea of how they don't agree but both suffer the same consequence...insomnia :shock:

James


   
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