hmmm.. very uninspired title :lol: and quite conventional sentiment of sticking together :wink: not quite finished yet either. here goes (oh and bear in mind- two voices, alternating, one for each verse, that is: each partner spinning the other in turn):
The Dance
If I spin you around now
I won't whisper that this is just the beginning
Because we are already out on deep water
And if you'd let go of my hand
I could sink 200 dark feet
Instantly
And if I spin you around now
I won't promise that I'll always love you
For I've been forced to stomp out my heart
Like a cigarette once, but I shall
Hold onto your hand
The best I can
And if I spin you around for a second time now
I won't window-paint a house and children
For we shan't foster and die by expectations
And I shall hold your hand
The best I can
With or without them
And if I spin you around for a second time now
I won't tape-trap illusions of singing the same tune
We might fall below pitch tomorrow again
But the dust of the notes in our throats can be swallowed
And I shall hold your hand
The best I can
And if I spin you around for the third time now
I won't put you on a pedestal as my number one person
For I have made that mistake before and which friends, then,
Will dive for your shivering limbs
But know that you are as important and I shall
Hold your hand the best I can
And if I spin you around for the third time now
I won't swing a kite to block out a future sky
For you may host doubts now and then, as I can
But lying low in spring snow or climbing gales in mid summer rain
I shall hold your hand
The best I can
Well, we may sail or sink
We might just make it, like our parents
As long as we hold on in all kinds of weather, we stand a decent chance
aww.. maybe cut the last bit on charges of cheasiness... and needs some re-formulation in other parts. anyhow. hope you like my first draft.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Straycat,
Good start :D
I've tried responding twice, but a blackout then a trip to the mall :? .....I'll see if the third time is the charm. Overall, I like the sentiment. What I get is two people saying, "Hey, we are not perfect. Let's be realistic, but I care for you to give you all I got."
The first verse reminds me of "new artists" a phrase like they come from out of no where, but to them they know the years of hard work to get where they are.
Consider trying to reword the I won'ts as they come across as negative. Maybe like "Even if...something bad....I'll hold on to your hand"
I am not sure if this will come across well or not, but one example from my experience last year was when our organization had to do a team building activity. One was a "trust fall"...One person falls backward from about 6 feet off the ground while the others catch the person in a cargo net....
For my size and weight I had serious doubts they could hold me up.....they did....I came close to the ground, but did not touch..... :shock:
A few weeks later during our "share time" I said, I did not have complete confidence that my group would catch me, but I still jumped because I had complete confidence that if I was injured, those people would help me through the healing process.
I had already had the experience of the group caring for me in my times of need and I knew that even I was dropped and injured, I knew the group would help me through the healing process....(I even choked up sharing) :oops:
....Anyway, in my mind there are parallels with what you are saying....basically, we are dependent on each other....I might drop you but I'll be there to help you heal as well. :roll: :wink:
James
Not a bad attempt, just needs a bit of polishing I think.
We might just make it, like our parents -> don't like this line much, maybe We might just make it, if we try (not enough syllables but you could hold the try, you seem to be going for a dramatic end in any case :) )
I liked the sentiment that love isn't perfect, you pretty much went against all the cliches which is refreshing...
For I've been forced to stomp out my heart
Like a cigarette once
Maybe changed to
For I've been forced to stomp out my heart
(As/Since) it burnt (in/through) my hand
Lastly:
Hold onto your hand
The best I can
Maybe changed to
Hold onto you
The best I can
Just to simplify things a little, hoped that helped, feel free to disregard things you don't like :)
Hi James and Jay :D
I realize that "I won't" might sound negative and a bit harsh maybe, but it is supposed to be. Although you know that it's improbable to be able to keep a promise like "I'll always love you", you still somehow secretly wish for someone to promise you exactly that (or at least I do) and it does feel awful if someone says to you that they won't, can't promise this. So it is negative. But then again, if you are promised unconditional support, the best the person can, that is the closest you can get to the first promise. So I like that the "I won't"s feel negative.
James, I'm glad to hear that you have people to survive trust falls with! :D They're not easy to find :wink:
Jay, I can see what you mean about "like our parents", probably sounds way off and kitschy... yes, think I'll drop that. Sometimes life is too good to sound probable on paper :lol: If I will keep the last three liens at all, I might just drop the parent thing without any replacement.
The heart burning in the hand makes a great image! Been attracted to the cigarette comparison because of a Bight Eyes line: "If your thoughts should turn to death, you gotta stomp them out, like a cigarette" :D It means a lot to me this way. But I'll definitely consider your suggestion!
As for holding onto you vs your hand... there is something about holding someone's hand as compared to holding someone... just like there is something about a kiss on the forehead as compared to a kiss on the mouth... something more serious, maybe... oh, well.. rambling on :wink:
Thank you for your comments! Much appreciated as always!
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
