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Y8 Week 46 - One by one

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(@jaythejoker)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 152
Topic starter  

Perhaps dedicated to all the diplomats out there trying to negotiate peace :).

One by one they reach the field
Holding rifles, shooting steel
Wondering what's become
Of the land they lived on
Not that long ago

One by one they turn the wheel
Whispering, danger on their heels
Thinking of a time
When the ghosts of loved ones
Were still around

As it goes on
They wonder what went wrong
Was it always this way
Cause a soldier's pay is not what is needed
Not what is needed today

One by one they reach the bottom
Sick and twisted, long forgotten
Keeping dreams afloat
While all their luck is on a sinking boat

One by one they get the letters
Crying sweathearts, "Never better"
They always told us hold on
Said that nothing will go wrong

It takes more than tears
To cry away the pain it's caused
And one by one
We keep on walking on
Forever

As it goes on
They wonder what went wrong
Was it always this way
Cause a soldier's pay is not what is needed
Not what is needed today


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Jay,

Good start :D Looks like a powerful platform to raise awareness but without being offensive.

Suggestions: Consider clarifying these areas:

Holding rifles, shooting steel---maybe Holding rifles, firing steel? or are they shooting at steel or does shooting steel meaning shooting bullets?

When the ghosts of loved ones
Were still around

maybe
When their loved ones
Were still around

....because the loved ones are ghosts and around as ghosts now.....correct?

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 176
 

Yeah, good clear story, but could be applied to any number of long wars or conflicts.

As far as the comments about "shooting", the verb could refer to the projectile or the target - I think your context clearly refers to the bullet (because it doesn't make much sense as shoot AT steel).

The ghosts thing doesn't seem to fit for this reason (because I ran into some confusion with this a couple weeks ago) that if you talk about ghosts, you are talking about dead people, or maybe their memories. But it seems that here we are talking about loved ones who aren't dead, just not present. Unless you mean other soldiers who are dead, and you could use a different word choice to clear that up, like "ghosts of brothers".

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jaythejoker)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 152
Topic starter  

Hey,

The ghost thing was getting to me too, guess I'll change that.

Thanks for the comments :)


   
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