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Y9W22 Call the Plumber

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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

Call the Plumber
Y9W22 Topic: write about a job
(Inspired by out problematic john. - Wilhelmina)

Call the plumber!
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

Since the day my man told me he wouldn't stay.
All my good feelings have been dripping away.
I'm losing about a gallon a day.
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

The leaking got worse when he pulled up stakes.
Now my head hurts and now my heart aches.
I need to close up the breach before the dam breaks.
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

Chorus:
The hole in my heart,
The hole in my heart.
It makes me feel
Like I'm falling apart.
I want to get fixed
And make a new start.

Call the plumber!
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

I need a plug now! I've called nine-one-one.
The medics couldn't help, though they came on the run.
A carpenter came with a caulking gun.
But I still need a plug for the hole in my heart.

I've even tried duct tape and that wouldn't do.
I've tried a tube of Miracle Glue.
The patch that I need has said that we're through.
He's the plug for the hole in my heart.

Chorus:
The hole in my heart,
The hole in my heart.
It makes me feel
Like I'm falling apart.
But he won't come back
To make a new start.

Call the plumber!
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.


   
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Chris C
(@chris-c)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Another G R * * * submission. :wink: You're really firing this week. Can I have some of whatever's in the water at your place?

Do you do other kinds of writing, other than lyrics? You certainly have a good way with words and a broad imagination. Taking a set of familiar actions or images and re-setting them in an unexpected context is a popular strategy in comedy, but it still takes some skill to pull it off, and you certainly did that.

I could nitpick things like "now" and "now" in one line, but stuff like that is easy to fix. The important thing is that you have a solid base with both the idea and the execution, so you could add more twists and jokes, or you could leave it just as it is.

Do you have any musical mates who could collaborate with you and get your words sung?

Chris


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

I think you are improving week on week and this is a better song than your previous one (Without Your Love).

Although, like that song, this one is again taking the basic idea and reiterating it with new words in each verse. This is ok up to a point, but by the time we reach the duct tape and miracle glue I feel like the idea is wearing a bit thin. I'd prefer to hear about what alternative solutions, or more drastic measures, outside of DIY, your character can think of to cure her woes. What would be her last resort, and at what cost or sacrifice would that come?

I am wanting the character to think forwards to give direction or movement to the narrative, rather than it just being a fixed point in time... see where I'm going?

Keep writing and don't be afraid to try setting it to music (some of the best songs are only G-C-D)


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

Good start :D Looks like you got the jist of the idea down.

Suggestion: Consider aligning the details with the main idea.......FOR EXAMPLE

Call the Plumber
Y9W22 Topic: write about a job
(Inspired by out problematic john. - Wilhelmina) KEEP THE SETTING IN THE BATHROOM

Call the plumber!
I need a plug for the hole in my heart. IF THERE WAS A HOLE IN THE PLUMBING, THE PIPING WOULD NEED TO BE REPLACED NOT PLUGGED

Since the day my man told me he wouldn't stay.
All my good feelings have been dripping away. SOUND MORE LIKE A LEAKY FAUCET THAN TOILET....IT WOULDN'T BE A DRIP IF THERE WAS A "HOLE"
I'm losing about a gallon a day. THAT'S BELIEVABLE IF IT'S A LEAK NOT A HOLE, BUT A GALLON OF WHAT? GOOD FEELINGS?....IF SO CONSIDER A STRONGER ADJECTIVE THAN "GOOD"
I need a plug for the hole in my heart. IS YOUR HEART'S SIMILE A FAUCET, SHOWER OR A TOILET?

The leaking got worse when he pulled up stakes. THERE ARE NO STAKES IN PLUMBING OR INSIDE A HOUSE
Now my head hurts and now my heart aches. WHY THE HEADACHE?....WHY DOES THE HEART "ACHE"....MAYBE IT'S A "MESS"...OR ALUDE TO CRYING ALL THE TIME....LIKE A LEAK OR CONSTANT DRIP
I need to close up the breach before the dam breaks. IMAGERY DOESN'T SUPPORT THE TITLE---DAM TAKES THE IMAGERY OUT OF THE "DOMESTIC" ENVIRONMENT.
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

Chorus:
The hole in my heart,
The hole in my heart.
It makes me feel
Like I'm falling apart. COULD WORK BUT SEEMS DIFFERENT THAN A LEAK
I want to get fixed UNDERSTANDABLE
And make a new start. NOT CLEAR/CONTRADICTORY......ARE YOU GOING FOR A REPAIR ANGLE OR NEW START? I.E. FIX THE TV OR BUY A NEW ONE....NOT BOTH.....CALL THE PLUMBER INDICATES A FIX RATHER THAN A "NEW START"

Call the plumber!
I need a plug for the hole in my heart.

I need a plug now! I've called nine-one-one. THE SIMILE BREAKS DOWN HERE B/C YOU WOULDN'T CALL 911 FOR A PLUMBER
The medics couldn't help, though they came on the run. MEDICS DOESN'T SUPPORT THE TITLE
A carpenter came with a caulking gun. WORKS A BIT AS AN ALTERNATIVE, BUT THE CAULKING GUN SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD FIX A LEAK.....BUT AGREED IT WOULDN'T FIX A HOLE
But I still need a plug for the hole in my heart.

I've even tried duct tape and that wouldn't do.
I've tried a tube of Miracle Glue.
The patch that I need has said that we're through.
He's the plug for the hole in my heart. IT KIND OF WORKS, BUT I'M STILL CONFUSED ABOUT THE "STAKES" IMAGERY AND THE SINGEE IS NOW BECOMING BOTH A "HOLE" AND A "PATCH".....THE SINGEE SHOULD BE ONE OR THE OTHER....PROBABLY NOT BOTH.

I hope this is helpful. You do seem to be able to take critiques well and come out with more focused writing over your short time with SSG. :wink:

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

Hi James,
Thanks for taking the time to give me a good lashing. I can feel the shreds of skin curling up on my back but I know I'll be a better person for it. - Wilhelmina


   
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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

Hi, Chris,
You must know the basic rule for animal training - reward the good, ignore the bad. It certainly works on me!
And hi Y'All,
I do appreciate all the comments I receive. They're adding up to entire course in songwriting.

I've been writing for decades, but in a very private way - keeping journals, writing stories the old people in the family have told me, and making little personal poems. Wrestling with words is a major source of entertainment for me, but I've never tried songwriting, and that's a whole new ball game.

I enjoy reading what y'all are coming up with, too. It's a game, like scrabble but harder, isn't it, and great fun, too. I get a burst of 'writer's high' every time I get something worked out on paper, even if it's just a pile of (bad word).

I generally feel nervous when I submit a piece and I know the experienced songwriters are ready to pounce, and what I'm wishing is that more of you would submit pieces so I could be lost in the crowd. How about it? Regards, from Grrr


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Wihelmina,
You must know the basic rule for animal training - reward the good, ignore the bad. It certainly works on me!
I generally feel nervous when I submit a piece and I know the experienced songwriters are ready to pounce,
Thanks for taking the time to give me a good lashing.

My apologies for critiquing in a way that make you feel nervous to post. :oops:

James


   
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