Yr 7 week 34

Hi there and welcome to the SSG :wink:

Looks very good, I think! As for a chorus, if you really need one, the bit you marked would make a fine chorus:
How to lie and how to steal
how to cheat and how to deal
how to be, everything else but real
( chorus again )
( I think this could be the chorus of sorts)
why not? And if it feels too long you could consider just taking the last line and put it at the end of all the parts that begin with "how to.." ?

I especially like the flow and wording of this bit here:
You showed me the thoughts
of thinkers,insane
You showed me the rules
for this horrible game
Very nice!

What would that last verse you're thinking of adding be about? Would it be general as well or about a specific TV show, film, series, character who had the greatest impact? Or maybe, instead of a last verse, put a bridge there, naming some characters or shows (plus their meaning)? For, I think, if it would be general again, you might as well leave it the way it is, because it works already :D

Just my two cents, and good luck finishing it!
(If it won't let you finish now, leave it lying around a bit, later you might see things differently and it'll just work out fine :wink: )
Cheers,
straycat.

Well right now I just tought of dropping the final verse, and doing it till that one you liked, and doing the chorus again, and a bridge, an instrumental bridge then an outro with the chorus...

Something like that.. I still don't have the music for this, I am looking for something that fits the mood, but yeah maybe someday I'll play something that fits the mood and it will all fit.

Thanks for the suggestions and for liking my song :D

Actually somebody said an Emo style would fit this song, and the part of thinkers insane whatever, could be like whispered at the end and then just end it... but I dk xD soo many things I can do with a song, but only one of them will make it a great song.

Hi Coolnama,

It's looking like a great start :D

Suggestion:

Consider "Latchkey Kid" ..."I'm a latchkey kid"...for a chorus idea and Title
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latchkey_kid

something like:

oh woe is me
I'm a latchkey kid
emo I be
I'm a latchkey kid

Also, consider adding details to characters or to be a more memorable.

example

How to lie and steal
like Dora's Swiper
how to cheat and deal
like Astor's Viper

....Swiper is a sneaky fox in a blue mask and gloves, who appears in nearly every episode. He is voiced by Marc Weiner. As his name implies, Swiper steals or attempts to steal key items that help Dora on her adventures. Clever as he is, Swiper never manages to take Dora completely by surprise; an ominous "whisking" sound is always audible just prior to his appearances. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dora_the_Explorer#Swiper_the_Fox

....Astor and Wilkes, with the help of mechanic Franklin Waters (played by Joe Nipote), steal the Viper and gain access to Payton's bank account, using both in a private war against crime. Astor runs the operation for several months before he is sent to Europe to handle deep cover operations for the U.S. Government, leading to the end of the Viper Team's war on crime. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viper_(TV_series)

DISCLAIMER
Ok Swiper I already knew about. Viper I was just looking for a rhyme with Swiper and something that would fit cheat and deal....I never saw or heard of this show.

....but you get the idea.

And welcome to this neck of GuitarNoise :mrgreen:

James

PS ...I hope that was gentle enough...apologies if not :roll:

Hello my dear friend
every time I look back
I see you've taught me so much

How to act and how to dress
and who I should impress ( maybe specifically is too big of a word, any word you think could replace it )
Who to love and who to hate
What to think and what to say

You've always been there for me
Where mommy and daddy failed
You have taught me well

How to lie and how to steal
how to cheat and how to deal
how to be, everything else but real

You taught me so wrong
And then left me to pay....

You showed me the thoughts
of thinkers,insane
You showed me the rules
for this horrible game

You thrust me to life
and left me alone
you're just another
who left me to moan

You're just a lie
fictiscious, not true
You left me to die
out of all of them, you?

You taught me so wrong
And then left me to pay

for whom am I writing a song?(so, who really deserves this song? )
is it for you, or is it for they?

OK as you can see I've made some changes, James, I appreciate your comments, and the things that I added where inspired by the Latchkey thing I read. But the thing about using characters I think clashed with the whole dark mood I'm giving this song, what you wrote was more bluesy.

In the ending what I'm trying to say is that this song is not for the box ( TV ) but it is for the parents that raised this child so badly, but I don't know how to say that, I tried to say it, but did you get that message ?

In the first
"You taught me so wrong
Then left me to pay"

That is sort of like a bridge, between the begining of the song, which is a bit happier in mood then when It reaches that point I am thinking of an instrumental of sorts, leading up to the darker part.

Yes I feel welcome, thanks for all the suggestions really, I really did think about putting characters but I felt it clashed.

In the one line that I had a parentheses next to it is because I don't know which one of the 2 lines to put in there.

PS LOL no problem it was gentle xD,

So even before anybody gets a chance to reply xD I think I'm going to cut the last 2 verses and leave it ath the You're just a lie thing, which can be repeated as many times as I wish :D

Because I am singing this song with a neat progression I cooked up ( G maj 7 to F#m to Bm ( classic F#M to Bm :P ) to E to E7) This is 4/4 with a one chord per measure except the E to E7 which is half a measure each = a full measure ^^.

And I am singing two lines per progression, if you understand what I mean?

Except that last You're a lie verse, which I can sing the whole verse per progression, so I'll just sing that a few times, and end it.

If I had more of a band or a recording studio or recorder I could maybe add some cool lead, but its just me and my guitar, so I'll leave it simple for now, and maybe add something in the sort of bridge I mentioned in my last post.

So adding something in the bridge, could I, strum the first beat of the measure and arpeggiate the last 3 beats, so I don't lose the rhythm guitar, but add some "flourishes" as David hodge calls it xD. Of course I can xD, but will it sound good ?( I'll have to test it out )

Ah about that verse that I was using as the sort of bridge, I'm not going to sing it if I ever do myself singing this song, I'll just add it as a whisper when I get my big deal with Sony BGM Records and I have a super studio at my disposal :P...

If I had more of a band or a recording studio or recorder I could maybe add some cool lead
If you want to try some simple track layering, Audacity is free to down load...a track for rhythm gtr, a track for vocal, a track for "flourishes"
http://audacity.sourceforge.net/
did you get that message ?
Yes, a bit...in the idea that the parents weren't there for the singer....but.....

#1
You taught me so wrong
And then left me to pay
for whom am I writing a song?(so, who really deserves this song? )
is it for you, or is it for they?

I'd say the part of the song directed to the parents needs more clarification as you already use "you" when referring to "My friend" which is assumed to be the TV....I read the "they" as the corporate people or tv programmers....the idea "guns don't kill people....people kill people"....in other words your saying the singer's problems don't stem from an inanimate box or TV but from the people who decide what is shown on tv.....

.....but then your point is to put the blame on the parents....so maybe something like....

Dear mom and dad
I left this note
on the TV remote
------------------read on for a darker message---
so when you watch the bridge jumper
on the evening news at five
there will be no confusion
it was suicide

...something directed to the parents as compared to directed to the TV

#2
I see "pay" and "they" were to rhyme.
I am not sure if this was intentional but "is it for you, or is it for they?" should be

"is it for you, or is it for them?"

#3
The chord progression you posted looks interesting....consider having another progression as well for other sections so there is some contrast in the song to keep the listener's interest.

#4
Consider editing your original post with your revised version and lable it "Revised Version" then below mark your "Original Version"....Otherwise, you might get comments on the original version only.

Audacity well I'm a bit reluctant to try it because of my lame computer...

1. Well I could just blame "them" but since I like your verse so much I guess I'll use it

2. Sorry english is actually my second language so sometimes I put stuff wrong thx for the heads-up.

3. Lol interesting ? good or bad way?
I am looking for another 1 but I just can't seem to find another interesting 1... time to use theory..xD

4. O k I'll do that thx alot for all the suggestions I was afraid to post something here but u guys are great and really nice :D

1. Great. Yes, take or leave any comments that work or don't work for your purpose. I have found others willing to offer suggestions, but no one will force you to change something...it is nice to have input from others. I can say that all the critiques I have had have only made the songs better :wink:

2. No worries. Even when it's my first language, I make plenty of errors :D

3. Interesting...not good or bad...for me you can't really say if it is working or not until a melody is on top of the chord progression....It's kind of like saying "salt" Is salt good or bad?...it depends on when you use it, what you use it for, and how much you use....but I would still recommend at least one if not two other chord progressions to add variety...sometimes you can just play the chord progression backwards and open up a new direction musically.

4. Yes. I think that first post is the hardest to do....so now that you've done the hardest part...you can spend the rest of your days enjoying the forum :wink: I have found it to be a welcoming place to push the limits [thanks to Vic's assignments] and share musical experiments and embarassments, but I feel it has helped in my songwriting growth.

Do it... backwards..? LOL great idea :D, I'll try it.

Yeah its so great to have input from people and have them give me suggestions, and now I can get better at my writing and composing all around.

Later today I'll be leaving for a trip in a boat, for about a week, hopefully get inspired to finish this song, and work on a melody too, which I think will be the hardest thing.

How do you do to write a melody for your songs, I mean, how do you go about it ?

How do you do to write a melody for your songs, I mean, how do you go about it ?

I would experiment with different ways.

I usually try to find an idea for the song...then the hook or chorus then verse and bridge

or

I start off with trying to mimic a style or another song for a part of the song...then a new part from another song or contrast to the first part...For example, Last week's assignment The King & I http://www.soundclick.com/JamesSundaySongWritersGroup
verse is based on The Police Synchronicity II verse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4l00qhq0To&feature=related

and

Also many "happy accidents" occur when I have an idea for one part of the song then I will just keep playing into the next section trying a new chord somewhere up the neck or just play a random chord so see what happens....I tried this with "Undercover" http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7281007 and got a chorus I really liked but just stumbled across with the new chord going from A..E..B..F#m...G..D..A..Em

The same thing happened with the intro on The Wedding Waltz were I slipped trying to play an A7 chord http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7828501

or

Another thing I tried recently was to get a book of Beatles songs and just play the chord progressions...especially on songs I hadn't heard or don't quite remember...just to see where the chord progression might lead....It kind of triggered a lot of melodies so I just recorded them on a hand recorder until I can sort through them to turn into songs.

and

Also, keep listening to a lot of new music from unknown artists.