Yr 7 Week 28

Not too bad, you might want to change the thread title to 38 though, and add the song name :)

I like the idea of looking back on friendships, works quite well. There are a few things I'd change:

I remember having so much fun
I remember when we used to sing along
while days, they sped away (didn't really like, 'like the wind')

I remember humming lullabies
hanging them clothes to dry
after the rain had soaked through our skin

I remember when I tried to fly
(something about birds in the sky)
And I'd fall, try as I would

We're all tired of sing alongs
and the rain stopped falling since then
What happened to the nights we swore
That our summer would never end ?

Take or leave what you like, hope that helped :)

Jay

Andre,

Another good start :D

I like the snap shot imagery of childhood.

I also like these lines:

I remember trying to fly
And I'd fall, try as I would

Whoever said I would have to be brave and bold
Just to see another day?

Jay had some good suggestions as well.

Suggestions:
Consider revising "lullabies" as lullabies are usually associated with music for children under 4 years oled...like "Mary had a little lamb" and "Twinkle twinkle little star"....Even my 4 and 6 year old are listening to HighSchool Musical, Hanna Montana, Jonas Brothers.

Are summer and rains common with your target audience?...It will depend on where they live...For example snow songs aren't so popular in Thailand as it never snows.
"and the rain stopped falling since then"
Also, if you say it never rains anymore...that is a drought and no rain since your childhood would be unusual....since you are writing more figuratively than literally, be sure the literal contexts still make sense.

Consider also if there might be another more universal sign of old age than "bad knees" often specific details enhance memorability but it can also alienate your audience if the details are too specific or they can't relate.
Yep I posted the first post and you have created a monster cause now every time I get inspired I'm going to write
:lol: Yes, there should be a thread for songwriters of advice on how to balance an ignited passion and the life you once knew....It seems like those who post more than one song go through the "adrenaline rush" stage...it comes out in their posts....so you are not alone. :wink:

James

Ooh, I'l get to work on this, I wrote it before I went on vacation, almost forgot about that song :D.

The thing about the rain is more symbolical, like good things stopped coming.

Lol I live in a tropical Island so the weather is pretty balanced here, not much heat and not too much rain xD

( sorry Vic Lewis I am ignoring the parameters you set not intentionally though )

No problem, Andre - don't think of the rules as restrictive, think of them more as guidelines. I'm going to get all Zen and philosophical here....think of the assignments as a starting point. You may take one of many roads, and you may not arrive at your intended destination - but you may end up in a place that's pleasing to you.
Yes, there should be a thread for songwriters of advice on how to balance an ignited passion and the life you once knew....It seems like those who post more than one song go through the "adrenaline rush" stage...it comes out in their posts....so you are not alone.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that "adrenaline rush" - let the words come rushing out. Scribble 'em down, get them out while they're fresh. The hard part then is to keep what's relevant to the song/story and throw out what's unnecessary or doesn't add to the story

You've made a good start.....keep up the writing, but always go back and look and your song as if it's someone else's lyric - ask yourself, "if this was someone else's song, what advice would I give them to improve this song?"

Oh, and don't be afraid of commenting on other people's songs - it's always nice for writers to get input on their songs. It's always nice to get a fresh viewpoint!

All the best, welcome to SSG, and keep those songs coming!

:D :D :D

Vic

... you have created a monster cause now every time I get inspired I'm going to write :D
*rubbing hands together gleefully* Dr. Lewis, Dr. Lewis, ze experiment 'az woken up!! Shall I grab ze Lemon Oil, Dr? Do you think he (ze experiment) will need it? I think ze second round of 240V did it, those Tesla tubes are really something....

I'll read proper and comment in the morning, my head is a little mashed right now. But good to see you posting in this section of the forums, welcome C, and all that razzmatazz (my word of the week).

No problem, Andre - don't think of the rules as restrictive, think of them more as guidelines. I'm going to get all Zen and philosophical here....think of the assignments as a starting point. You may take one of many roads, and you may not arrive at your intended destination - but you may end up in a place that's pleasing to you.

:D :D :D

Vic

And why does this remind me of Zen-Nick and the Way of Throwing The Egg Over The Expensive Rug? http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=37468

('Az ze experiment been named Andre, Dr? Good choice, are we having a party to celebrate? After I clean up the mess? Okay Dr...)

And why does this remind me of Zen-Nick and the Way of Throwing The Egg Over The Expensive Rug?

Then again - some people might just drop the egg on the rug and read the patterns in the yolk.....it's all down to personal taste.

I like omelettes, myself....with bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, and onions; does that qualify as a Zen English Breakfast? It's about the consciousness of the breakfast....I'm hoping it's at least unconscious, but preferably dead, by the time I swallow it.

Does it even matter how it's cooked? It all goes down the same part of the oesophagus, and it all ends up in the same place...

I'm not really very good at this Zen/Philosophy stuff, am I? I should stick to the philosophy that's served me well for about 35 years or so - "there's always room for another drink. If said 'nother drink includes alcoholic content, all well and good - and if it doesn't, well, fer Gawd's sake, bring me one that does!"

It's still working OK at the moment....

:D :D :D

Vic

No problem, Andre - don't think of the rules as restrictive, think of them more as guidelines. I'm going to get all Zen and philosophical here....think of the assignments as a starting point. You may take one of many roads, and you may not arrive at your intended destination - but you may end up in a place that's pleasing to you.

:D :D :D

Vic

And why does this remind me of Zen-Nick and the Way of Throwing The Egg Over The Expensive Rug?

('Az ze experiment been named Andre, Dr? Good choice, are we having a party to celebrate? After I clean up the mess? Okay Dr...)[/quote]

LOL yeah whats up wth that, why am i Andre ? xD

Well Andre or not, thanks for the warm welcome, i'll keep ze writing up ^^, and follow advice and comment on other people's stuff, but 'm not a good critic i can either be too soft or too hard O_O.