YR3 WK7 Catch The Dream

Hey!

I wasn't expecting it, but this is quite a dark piece of work, isn't it? Or it is the way I'm getting it, at least.
It seems im running to no where I was thinking maybe change this to 'it seems I'm running into nothing' (or something like that) - as then you have loads of rhyme in your chorus:

I dont know if i know anything
We live in dreams and all the time we fall to everything
I cant wait to see the way this will be
It seems im running into nothing, where i can catch the dream

It's only half rhymes in places, but I noticed the rhyme with the first 'dreams' so it's just a thought.

Good stuff though. It needs a couple reads to get into it, but that's no bad thing.
Keep it up!
G

hmmm. it's not strictly AABB. as gjbrake said... it half-rhymes.

im guessing you used the half-rhymes to widen your choices of words?

for me, the half-rhyme works in some places and quite arguable in some others.

one thing i'd say thought is i like the mood of the song. brooding.. reflective (at least for me) and a tad bit dark.

Good Work!

Yes it is dark indeed.

Seems to me there may be more to this story and another verse might round it out a bit.

It also seemed a bit wordy to me and I did a quick edit. Hope you don't mind.

I think if you were to change the title line a bit from a statement, where I can catch the dream, to a question, where can I catch the dream? it would have a little more impact. I also liked the change gjbrake suggested.

Any ways that's my take on it.

Here's my edit do with it what you will.

Catch The Dream

V
Sleep with the light on if I wake in the dark
I whisper lines of truth will I get them back
I dont remember asking for just another day
But i when i close my eye I'll be here again

C
I dont know if I know anything
We live in dreams we fall to everything
I cant wait to see the way this will be
It seems I'm running to nothing, where can I catch the dream ?

V
I Picture you in your favourite dress
The strands of your hair make me catch my breath
I never thought I'd be bleeding on your floor
Crying my eyes out in my hearts little war

Celt

i really like it and can relate to what i think its about, i like the title as well 'catch a dream'

cheers guys, yeah i really like some of ur suggestions n have made slight adjustments, thanks guys....n yeah i never really noticed the half rhymes 2 b honest lol ....cuz i always write how i sing...if ya catch my drift.........hmmmm stupid me didnt stick close enuff 2 the assignment lol........thanks a lot tho guys!!!!!!!!!!!!

cheers!!

NeM