yr6 week 40 i used to

Hey Maddog

Some nice things going on here. The pairings in the first verse (plans vs. work, love vs. hurt, caring vs. just going home) are very good but the start of the second verse (aloud vs. not speaking and (especially) strong vs. weak) seems a bit mundane in comparison. Also, the way you break up the second verse with the chorus:
I used to start the day
with a laugh and a smile
I used to go all the way
go the extra mile

chorus
I used to dream
but now I just sleep

but now I'm so tired
I can barely get out of bed
my soul I'm so tired
i've got this ache in my head

seems to really chop the song into fragments. We've been set up with verses dealing with both sides of the coin, the positive and the negative. Breaking the second verse this way leaves us dangling with just the positive and having to wait through the chorus (both positive and negative) before we get to the negative half of the end of the second verse.

Maybe rearranging things a tad might help:

chorus
I used to dream
but now I just sleep

I used to have plans
but now I just work
i used to feel love
but now I just feel hurt

I used to really care
about whats going on
but now all I wanna do
is just get on home

chorus
I used to dream
but now I just sleep

I used to start the day
with a laugh and a smile
I used to go all the way
go the extra mile

but now I'm so tired
I can barely get out of bed
my soul I'm so tired
i've got this ache in my head

chorus
I used to dream
but now I just sleep

Here you can either use this:

I used to think aloud
but now I don't speak
I used to be so strong
but now I'm so weak

Or perhaps a short solo/instrumental break instead, before ending with:

but now I just wanna go home
and go straight to bed
I'm just so___ tired
I've got this ache in my head

chorus
I used to dream
but now I just sleep

I've got this ache in my head
I've got this ache in my head
I've got this ache in my head
I've got this ache in my head
I've got this ache in my head
I've got this ache in my head
etc.

Just a thought.

Nice work. Looking forward to reading more of your material.

Peace

Hi maddog,

Good stuff. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I really liked it. I'm sure that most people could relate to feeling that way sometimes, and the shortness of the lines seemed to really underline the mood of emptiness and sadness. It also had the feeling of a song to me, not just a string of words, which is a real plus when you just see bare lyrics. I hope that you end up writing some music to fit the final version. Keep them coming. :)

Cheers,

Chris

David
Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate you taking the time to look at these songs, I'm learning and trying to work on putting all aspects of the songs together.In the past I didn't really work on songs very long. Whatever came for the most part I'd be satisfied, but with the SSG i.m really trying to complete the song and it's a lot of fun. again I appreciate your comments and I'm trying to incorporate some of your thoughts into my songs

also just wanted to say I think this site is awesome especially you and all the teachers what a cool community.

Thanks
Malcolm

Hi Chris C

thank you for the kind words I really appreciate it. Just wanted to let you know I do have this song set to music but I have no way to record it and post it. I'm starting to look at some recording stuff but I don't really know what I'm doing and also I am a terrible singer, but if I do record I guess it will have to do cause that's all I got.

The chrous is kinda of a flaming lips type aura real swirly and slow then it goes into a steady rock pulse for the verses kind like Abbey road beatles but of course none of it sound as good as them two bands and I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I think it's that good. I'm just trying to give you a feel for how it kinda sounds without you actually getting to listen to it.

hoping to get some equipment soon

Malcolm

The chrous is kinda of a flaming lips type aura real swirly and slow then it goes into a steady rock pulse for the verses kind like Abbey road beatles but of course none of it sound as good as them two bands and I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I think it's that good. I'm just trying to give you a feel for how it kinda sounds without you actually getting to listen to it

Comparisons like the above are not only valid, but a big help when trying to get the feel of a song from just words on paper.

BTW, the easiest way I know to record is to buy an inexpensive PC mic and download Audacity - a free recording engine from sourceforge.net. There are facilities on there for overdubbing, and it's pretty simple to use. It'd have to be - I use it! You'd also have to download a free MP3 encoder - I use LAME - so that you can post your songs on a host site like Soundclick or Dmusic. Or you could record clips on a digital camera, and post them somewhere like Photobucket.

Back to the song - I like David's fix for the verses/choruses, changing the order around a little - seems to flow smoother. I think the chorus makes this song - although it's only short, it's very succint and sums the whole song up nicely and sets the mood. One of those "sheesh! why didn't I think of that!" moments.

Looking forward to more!

:D :D :D

Vic