Okay....
First, the week 26 bit;
I started the song with a line from Van Morrison's song 'Ballerina'.
As for the 'letter' part of it; I decided to try and write a diary entry instead.
They seem to allow for more freedom to me.
Usually written in letter form, although to ones self.... allowing for more 'interior dialog'.
At least that was what I was hoping for....
Didn't get too much of that this time though;
I'm trying to write a longer, storied song this time around,
and, I have to admit that I'm having a bit of difficulty with it.
While researching the idea online, I came across a real diary entry of a 19 year old woman.
I decided to base the story of the song around that, and married it with a bit of a 'Waldenistic' philosophy.
That is.... This girl is from a rich family;
She is going to school and working nights as a waitress to support herself.
Her parents think that it is unnecessary, demeaning, even embarrasing to them to have their daughter work
such a low class job and want to give her all the money she needs (probably more).
She doesn't want her parents' money, and even enjoys being a waitress.
The only part she doesn't like is that the girls she works with all despise her for being a spoiled little rich girl.
Meanwhile, she's caught in the middle:
She doesn't want to be part of her families wealth and knows that money doesn't buy happiness.
Doesn't understand the poorer class dreaming of being rich and blaming their misery on their lower status, while
hating anyone that has money.
I want her to also come to realize that an 'education' is nothing more than a conveyerbelt to conformity,
and that 'school' is nothing more than big business.
That there is more to 'real' life than is being taught at universities, and that there are 'other' lessons to be learned that are far more important to a conscientious person.
Hence the 'Walden' philosphy:
to "live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
I think I may be trying to fit TOO MUCH into the song this time!
Here's what I have so far.
Not quite sure that I'm happy with the way it's going.
Too many LOUD distractions right at the moment to keep working on it.
I'd be glad to hear any feedback 8)
Ken
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Well, I may be wrong....
Something deep in my heart tells me I'm right, though;
Don't you think so....????
Aahhhh, don't you think so????
This is the first time;
And I don't know how to start....
I'm writing in my diary:
Lonely 17 years old.
And I'm cryin'
Okay:
Now the tears on the page are dryin'
The thing is....
I'm workin' my way thru school
mom and dad are mad;
they don't want me to
no matter how measured or how far
can't I escape a justice based on cruelty
why can't they just leave me alone
why, don't they know:
I'd gladly sell all of my clothes
to keep my thoughts
to say what I have to
no, not just what I ought to
I'm not the kind of girl to stay at home
I like workin' as a waitress
all the talk: it's fun
though the girls I work with
don't like me because
my parents have money
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
Hi Ken.
First off, my thoughts are a bit slow today, so excuse me if I'm writing stupidity :wink:
I really like your story that's behind the story in the song. And it might be quite a long one to fit into verses here. Until the last verse I thought I wouldn't have guessed the working/money thing if I hadn't read your prologue. The last verse clarified things :D However, I was missing the part on they-dream-of-being-rich-while-they-hate-the-rich in the song... liked the idea though. Also, nice that you thought of a diary entry. Been skimming through some older ones of mine yesterday :lol:
This bit here stood out, I thought:
I'm writing in my diary:
Lonely 17 years old.
Simple. Simply beautiful. Loved it :D and the way it just falls in line with the "so"s and "though" in the verse before. Well done!
Overall, a good start, I'd say. Can't offer constructive criticism, dunno what I'd change, but it definitely doesn't feel quite finished yet :wink: Hope that sounds encouraging not discouraging :D
Oh, almost forgot: amazing title! Is that a proverb that I'm not aware of? Love the sound and the picture in my head. (thinking of the human being there, not the bird. intended?)
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hi Ken , this is a difficult one for me, I like the idea of the story but there is a niggling doubt in my mind that this is a story and not a song. I know this point has been discussed in previous threads but for me a song has to work on many levels. The story level is fine and you lead us through nicely, I can imagine someone standing up and reading this diary to a captivated audience. As a song I fear that either the story would be lost in the melody or worse the song would become a monologue. For me a song also needs to deliver an idea or emotion that stays with me after the song has finished. With this song I am having difficulty locking on to that underlying idea or emotion. I would like to see this song develop in this direction.
Cheers
Paul
For me a song also needs to deliver an idea or emotion that stays with me after the song has finished. With this song I am having difficulty locking on to that underlying idea or emotion. I would like to see this song develop in this direction.
Cheers
Paul
Hi Paul, and thankx for the input 8)
I think you've hit the nail on the head there.
I kept thinking: This writing seems like mine (although, I was a bit distracted when writing it, and it shows IMO)....
though there seems to be some fundamental ingredient missing :|
I just couldn't put my finger on it.
EMOTION!!!!
My songs are usually all style.... mostly emotion/very little substance in the way of a story line.
I seem to have lost all that in favor of a story line.
My intention was to use the diary as a device to use my usual interior dialog and failed miserably there.
I like the first two verses.... Think I'll scrap the rest :roll:
Thankx again! :D
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
This bit here stood out, I thought:
I'm writing in my diary:
Lonely 17 years old.
Simple. Simply beautiful. Loved it :D and the way it just falls in line with the "so"s and "though" in the verse before. Well done!
Hi Anne :D
Thankx for the look!
Glad you liked that line and the strange rhyme pattern!
I think your style is starting to rub off on me! :mrgreen:
Although I'm not particularly fond of the verse, my other fav rhyme is in the third verse:
School with Cruelty! :twisted:
Something told me to go with cruelty and I built the last lines around that (and ended up sounding very out of place Dylan-like).
I had to actually figure out WHY it seemed to rhyme myself after I wrote it! LOL!
Oh, almost forgot: amazing title! Is that a proverb that I'm not aware of? Love the sound and the picture in my head. (thinking of the human being there, not the bird. intended?)
Thankx! :D
It's from Thoreau's Walden actually.
"The third interaction was with a diving loon. Thoreau would chase it around Walden pond. It would dive underwater, and Thoreau would have to guess its direction and give chase. Many times he'd go the wrong direction in his boat. But always the bird would laugh upon surfacing, giving away its position."
I'll leave the interpretation open :wink:
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
