Hey, everyone (%
Week 2 was about, changes - This could be about that. As it's about someone caught in the uncertainty of
a changing relationship. No matter though - I was just SO EXCITED that I actually wrote another song, finally!
I thought I'd share it with the old SSG group (%
my heart can't believe you're leavin'
hide from feelings deep inside you
so free, to make or break it
so free, you feel you're naked
so free, it's bound to hurt everyone
you hurt.... me
did you love me - always
just between us - I never knew
dreams still to come
with the foresight of our fate
your heart forgot me
doubt and fear - I sit and wait
far away - can't see the tears fall from my eyes
not that you care
like the cold blade ready in the Guillotine
so high above, can you feel anything
until you fall from your cloudy throne
until you fall and find yourself....
so free, to make and break it
so free, you feel you're naked
so free, it's bound to hurt everyone
so free - it hurts
~ Thankx
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
Hi Ken,
Glad you're able to get back to writing as well :D
Suggestion: Although you explain the singer is "caught in the uncertainty of a changing relationship" consider sticking with one mood or emotion or message or sentiment......I noticed this recently in a concert by Lea Salonga that even when the singer/character was the "bad or crazy person" the lyrics still came across with one idea....even if it was justifying the singer's point of view.....Also dropping your nouns or pronouns makes it a bit confusing on who is doing the action......
my heart can't believe you're leavin' SINGER IS SURPRISED
hide from feelings deep inside you WHO IS HIDING? I/YOU hide from feelings deep inside you
so free, to make or break it
so free, you feel you're naked .....Free seems to imply a positive....naked seems to imply vulnerable......unless maybe so free in your nakedness....?
so free, it's bound to hurt everyone
you hurt.... me
did you love me - always
just between us - I never knew
dreams still to come
with the foresight of our fate
your heart forgot me
doubt and fear - I sit and wait
far away - can't see the tears fall from my eyes
not that you care.....SINGER SEEMS TO HAVE GONE BITTER NOW
like the cold blade ready in the Guillotine
so high above, can you feel anything
until you fall from your cloudy throne
until you fall and find yourself....STILL BITTER AND ACCUSING
so free, to make and break it
so free, you feel you're naked
so free, it's bound to hurt everyone
so free - it hurts
So overall more bitterness comes across......maybe change the beginning from doubt of what is happening to "I know what you did and here's why I don't like it"......a la Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
Thanks for sharing.
James
Hi Ken,
Good to see that you're writing again. Looks like a classic CitiZenNoir theme. :)
Cheers,
Chris
Hey, Chris! (%
Great to see see you, my old friend.... I've missed you!
Hope all is well with you.
Funny, I saw that you were on the boards and I thought to myself - Wonder what Chris would say if he replied to this????
Answer - I would have known that was you without any name attached! lol!
Pretty close, aye? :wink:
So, my question is - Am I moving in a direction that is unique and have I gotten closer to producing a more finished song in my own strange way of writing?
Have I developed my very own style....
Or, have I become my own cliche'?
Admittedly, these lyrics contain almost all of the elements I've been trying to work into my songs:
No rhymes
Odd rhymes
Odd rhyme structure/sequence
Odd structure/Asymmetric lines
Open structure/poetic/mysterious
Alliteration
Double meanings
Ect....
I feel I've come closer with this song than I ever have to what I've been trying to do,
yet - Have I gone too far with it?
Thankx for the replies, and for the look-sees (%
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
And a very warm thankx to, James.
We've taken our discussion off-board.
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
So, my question is - Am I moving in a direction that is unique and have I gotten closer to producing a more finished song in my own strange way of writing?
Have I developed my very own style....
Or, have I become my own cliche'?
Ken
Probably only you can answer those questions Ken, but I'm liking what you've done there.
Your words remind me of the sort of response I get when I read lyrics by somebody like Leonard Cohen, for instance. With some of his songs, I initially often don't get all that much of the story, but little splashes of it do fire up vivid images. Next time through, more things fire up, or more connections appear. I don't really expect to get it all, in the same way that I don't expect to 'get' everything about an abstract painting either. I'm happy to be left with a few fairly strong responses but still have a lot left open to question.
I often wish that I could write more like that, instead of wanting to be as literal and grammatical as I usually am. Half way between your style and mine would be an interesting thing to try. But I guess you have to be true to whatever you naturally gravitate towards.
Cheers,
Chris
