yr9wk30 "What they Say"

Well hello, B2theZ, and welcome to (A) Guitarnoise and (B) the SSG, always nice to see a new writer in here. At first read, there's not much to fault here - 'course, I have no idea what kind of music you've got in mind. I've got a sneaking suspicion you might be a rapper, but hey, that's OK - as long as you write your own lyrics and put your own music to 'em, that's fine by me. But there's a nice easy rhythm to this, easy to put music to, so....get recording!

All the best,

:D :D :D

Vic

Hello and welcome, Brian!

One thing I'd suggest it to make the song a little less generic. The two verses, the first one especially, work well - taking a generic statement in the first two lines, turning it more personal in the second two and then expanding on things even more in the second half. The first verse sets up a great image but the chorus doesn't build too much on that. In fact the last two lines:

What they say
Made me your fool

set the listener up to expect more of an explanation that he or she is going to get. There's a definite story hear but I'm not sure we're getting enough details (or at least enough of a personal spin on them) to make this story stand out. A catchy melody can help overcome this (there are certainly enough great songs that are vague), so it may not even be worth the attention at this point.

All of this, of course, is just my two cents. This is a great start, Brian. One can definitely go a lot of different styles for the music and it would be interesting to hear how you think you might like it to be.

Welcome once again and I look forward to reading (and hopefully one day hearing) more from you.

Peace

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I am glad that I posted this here. I have always been shy about what I write, but I also know that I need feedback if I am ever to get better at it. It is scary, because there is some real talent here, so I cringe just thinking about posting , But this feedback is great.
I do try to write in different styles, and on Occasion I will write a Rap song, but this was not one of those times. I grew up on 70's/80's Rock/Disco/and Metal, so I hear a blend of all that.
Most of what I write or have written is in my mind O.K, But not as good as it could be, much like this song. My singing is of little help to me as is my very limited guitar playing.(Three chords and a missed beat) Different eyes sure help.
The song is generic, which would be fine if it was that way by design, but it really wasn't. Not to the degree that it is anyway. The bridge I did intentionally make off rhythm, to break up the song a little bit, but it does come across as forced. I think that this week I will play a little more with this, see if I can tweak it a little.
I posted a intro in the Meet and Greet section, that touches on my limited skills, so the chance of me posting my singing or playing is not likely any time soon, although I will say that two lessons posted here have helped me a lot, David Hodge on timing, especially about counting out loud. Seems so basic, but really has helped my supposed innate inability to keep time. Also a lesson ( video) by Jamie Andreas, where she teaches that to learn to sing and strum ,Start with a very,very easy basic song, then build from that. Thankfully I have small children so I am not self conscious playing and singing Twinkle Twinkle little star! 

Thanks,
Brian

Hi Brian,

Thanks for taking the time to share on the "New to the Forum" area to tell others where you are coming from.
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=51115

I want to join the encouragement for the dreamer's side :wink: I know what you mean when you share it's something you feel you have to do.......so kudos to you for "doing it"

For this song, I was impressed with how you were getting the ideas across....I had to glance over at how many posts you've done, because it looks like you are not totally new to songwriting, but already have some ideas....either learned or naturally about the lyric structure. David already has some good ideas....as usual :wink:

Suggestion:

Consider revising the section about:

They say
That all is fair
in love and War
I don't believe them
Anymore

....because I think you are using it out of context.....You are making it sound like love and war are games people play "fair" in....but the meaning of the phrase is "there are no rules.....anything goes.....there are no "dirty tricks".....all is acceptable as part of the way you participate".

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060718191700AAwPG8l

Good start on this one....we'll do our best to support your weekly challenges....I know it helps to know at least someone or group "out there" is listening to our efforts :mrgreen:

Thanks for sharing.

James

Finally getting to post some tweaks to the song, "What they say" . Every small change seems to bring it's own large challenge, but I tried to keep it as close to original while making some changes based on suggestions and just what felt better the more I played with it. Thanks again everyone for welcoming me, and taking time to give feedback.

Brian Z

Revised 5/31/11

They say that good things come
to those who wait
But you're no good baby
You're just running late

You've kept me waiting
Now half the night
No calls, no texts
And your nowhere in sight

Now my patience is worn
Just like old jeans
Faded ripped
And torn at the seams

What they say
Doesn't do me any good
What they say
Hasn't helped me like it should
What they say
I've followed all the rules
What they say
Has Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you

Now they say
All is fair
in love and war
I don't wanna love
Like that no more

You've won the battles
I've paid the price
You were so mean
I was so nice

Maybe now
I'll move on
When you show up
I'll be gone

What they say
Doesn't do me any good
What they say
Hasn't helped me like it should
What they say
I've followed all the rules
What they say
Has Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you

(Bridge x-2)
I know what's right
I know what's right
I know what's right
Inside of me

What they say
Doesn't do me any good
What they say
Hasn't helped me like it should
What they say
I've followed all the rules
What they say
Has Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you
Got me waiting on you

They say that good things come
to those who wait
But you're no good baby
You're just running late
(Hard Stop)

They say that good things come
to those who wait
But you're no good baby
You're just running late

Clever lines :wink: I like it much better. In all, it seems the ideas come through clearer on the rewrite. Good job!