Thought id put a few more songs ive written on this board. Think its really good that people take an interest in your work here and give constructive criticism. Anyway here goes:
1. Balance
This things been two years in the making
So dont desert me now
Wonder what lady lucks taking
In exchange for your loving vows
Cos my life is full of balance you see
An i dont know if ive earned my keep
Watchin my step past the congregation
Where the sad-eyed widows weep
Where the sad-eyed widows weep
With eyes like 'lectricity
and an effervessant smile
Shaped by a black-cloak maine
Those heavy-hooded eyes where all your mystery lies
That no man ever could tame
The likes of will i see again?
When your minutes drag an your years fly by
An you wonder was it really you
Who shredded your life with a dagger an a knife
To see that whats left was true
To see that whats left was You
I suppose the song is about a girl (how original!) that i end up with but then im worried whats going to happen next because this part of my life is going too well and im worried my luck will balance out in other areas for the worse.
2. Idiot Rant
Am i losing my perception?
Or my whole mind completely
Cos im on ma knees here beggin
An all you do is laugh at me!
Well i hope it passes time well up there
Your cosmic joke at my expense!
Cos im tryin t'make an honest buck here
Placin trust in concequence
But it doesnt always work out that way
You dont always reap what you sow
Should i count myself lucky?
Or damn you to the fiery hells below!
Yes the wheel of life is out of synk
An im slowly seein thru the visade
Cos the good times are over-rated
An the bad times are never that bad!
So slam your drink an cross yourself
Throw your dollar on the table
Curse this idiot rant to myself
As i sit bored watchin cable!
Im not very happy with the last line although if feel it gets the point of all the above to be merely a passing thought which I wrongly do not give
enough head time. I would like this to be better put though.
If anyone can come up with a better last line or if you think it fits ok all feedback is greatly appreciated. Cheers.
I'll just do the first one, I'm pretty tired
I liked the imagery with the mane, black hood eyes, and the taming, gave an image of this woman being some kind of stallion. I was dissapointed by the first verse, the last two lines sound like you were clawing for a rhyme, and lost the meaning and logic of the phrase. Second verse is better, but once again the first and second line are very strange, they make sense, but they whisper the point, instead of putting it right out there like a delicious smelling plate of food,
But I like the ending, so that's great, because if your solo stunk, your ending had better be immaculate :D
definetely something to look back on and learn from, especially the horse thing, very subtle, very sweet! 8)
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
I like the first one but with reservations...I wasn't really sure what it was about (Nothing wrong with a bit of mystery though!!!) until I read the explanation, then all became clear - I particularly liked the lines,
Wonder what lady lucks taking
In exchange for your loving vows
As for the second one,the lines
Well i hope it passes time well up there
Your cosmic joke at my expense!
Cos im tryin t'make an honest buck here
Placin trust in concequence
are great, with one tiny little quibble.....an honest buck.....too american for a british writer..same with "Dollar on the table"...you could easily change it to pound or living in the first place, money in the second, it would still be understood......
Nothing at all wrong with the last line, for me it sums up the whole point of the song.....well I like it anyway!!!
An im slowly seein thru the visade ...........should that last word be "facade" ?.......you do need to brush up on your grammar and spelling a little - but that's only a very minor point....there's a lot of good stuff there to work with, you have a good turn of phrase and both songs give (me, at least!) vivid mental pictures of how you were feeling when you wrote them..... and a good song should put you in the writer's head........
Vic.
:) :) :)
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Put these songs on a while ago just for the lyrics but i thought id put the music to 'balance' up to see what yous all think of the music and words together.
All opinions appreciated cheers :D
http://s12.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=3JK6UIEZFDMYV2HRXPTBC9P0DM
Sorry to keep bumping this thread but really would like an opinion on this song as i am quite happy with it. Im not saying its brilliant or anything but ive wrote it to the best of my abilities at present.
Thanks
hi I checked out your recorded version of song #1
sounded not bad, , you have some great lyrics
keep on tweeking
Hey thanks, anything in particular you didnt like about the song? I dont really know what else to do with it, change it or forget about it and move onto the next one.
Cheers anyway! :D
Hey, Quenzacoatl!
I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to properly critique your songs. But I'd like to comment on a possible reason that you're not getting the replies you're looking for.
As a programmer, I think a lot about usability. Typically, when you give an end-user two choices where neither one is anymore valuable than the other to the end-user, that poor person doesn't know what to do. The will freeze.
Perhaps that's the effect that inserting two songs in a single post is having on the readers here.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
