Would like a few suggestions on improvements or just opinions. Cheers.
On the Road
When gravity rotates ninety degrees
an i feel that stone cold wall against my knees
for realitys reluctantly raising her veil
more and more as i leave my teens
Cos its hard makin sense of whats to come
An wishin youd done better when its all said an done
Havin a life like a swan song unsung,
Aint no fun friend, it aint no fun
An i cant go crawling through life anymore
cos theres got to be more
Another site to see,
Another act to play,
Another heart-racing, life-changing experience to crave
For what will i speak of in my lifes last hour?
Hunched over a deathbed having came this far
Will i be able to raise an eyelid an see
A minds eye memorys wings set free?
To remind me i lived a life worth living
So i wont have fear when i hear the thunder ringing
An as my skin stains blue an my breath grows colder
Youll see nothing left but my lifes ash smoulder
This next verse i wrote at the same time but dont really feel it fits into the feel of the song
An just when you juxtaposed your jajouka-dance eyes
Toward a million red martyrs raking sun-drenched skies
carrying conciousness where only lonliness resides
weighs heavy like stone on the crest of times tides.
All opinions welcome. :)
Hey Quen, Its a very impressive piece of writing. I'd change the first line though. the gravity and ninety degress thing seems a lill, I dunno, but maybe out of place? I mean you can try for a better opening line. Liked the line "reality's reluctantly raising her veil" a lot. Anyway, I like the song a lot. Keep thinking about similar things most of my time. Like what if I fail life you see? Caus elife never fails us. Its us who screw it up. And that last verse thing, yeah maybe you could put it in a backward masked message or something. lol. Anyway, great work :D
The first two lines are an imagery thing - if gravity did rotate ninety degrees we would hit the wall facing us not have our feet pinned to the ground, i dunno i guess thats how i feel physically when these thoughts come into my head. Anyway thanks alot for the feedback much appreciated.
Hey Quen, I did get that imagery thing man! I meant the line seemed out of place to me from musical point of view. As for using imagery u could try something more poetic and a lil less degress and stuff like that. Anyway, its upto ya :)
Sorry mate just trying to show you where im coming from a bit. Thanks for the advice il try an post up a revised addition.
Hey Quen, Sorry man if I came a bit too hard on you. didn't mean to man. Really sorry. :P
