Skip to content

Forum

Notifications
Clear all

A One-Way Street


(@missmatilde)
Active Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

You guys were so much help in making my other piece better... tzo... what's ur opinion?
thanks 4 reading,
Matilde


Quote
(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi Matilde,

Here are some initial thoughts after a quick read.

I find having two metaphors a bit confusing. The book metaphor doesn't catch me as much as crossroads. And I really like "I'm stuck at the crossroads coming from a one way street."

The last verse . . . . . . I don't get it.

Overall . . . . it's certainly worthwhile and has good potential. I always find when I write, that posting an MP3 gives people a better idea and allows them to comment more fully. I think you said you played piano . . . yes? Even if you just played one note melody and kinda sung along we could see your vision better.

Anyway . . . some initial thoughts. I'll give it a reread when I have more time and share my thoughts with you then.

Neil


ReplyQuote
(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 540
 

Hi Matilde

After reading this a couple of times I started to get the imagery in my head. I like the metaphor of the one-way-road being the process of the end of the relationship (at least that's what I got from it) and now not knowing which way to go.

Also, the main image I got was of (someone) reading an old diary, going over what they wrote during their time together - not sure if this was your intention, but it works well for me!

Contrary to chefie, I sort of 'get' the last verse (if I am right with the Diary idea then "there's a line I just cant read" could be the day of the break up I guess?) but I just don't get the first line I have to stop what I am acting

My suggestion would be "I have to stop the way I'm acting" refering to not moving on, but thats assuming my idea about the song are right!

As Chefie said, there's potential here, and I'm sure other may offers insight as well.

Good job.

Pete

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


ReplyQuote
(@missmatilde)
Active Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

I edited the piece, cos I found some mistakes I made while putting it on, hopefully it makes more sense... moreover, I changed the line Pete was referring to, cos... it was kinda random, and hopefully more clear now ;-)

Pete is right on the chorus, even if it's not exactly a diary...
It's mainly about how hard it is to move on, when a relationship you were really into ends. and it's too about accepting that it's over, that things can't go back to be as before. thus, you have to look ahed even if there were so many unforgettable moments. there comes the croassroads thingy, cos you may just be stuck there, not knowing what to do (what way to go) and with the only certainty of no going back...

hope the rewriteis clearer,can't wait to know what you think of it :-)
thanx for reading and for your nice+really helpful comments
Matilde


ReplyQuote
(@gram99)
Trusted Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 62
 

loved it
got a tip the other day that I now use on all my lyrics and yours seem to qualify

take a blank sheet of paper and go through each line from the beginning with the paper blocking out everything below each line.
as you read each line in isolation you can ask yourself if it's valuable as one part of the whole and does the story progress or stall. great tool. try it on this song and let us know if it induces any changes.

"Nothing happens until something moves."

Albert Einstein


ReplyQuote