Skip to content
Another chorus (mor...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Another chorus (more to be posted within a week)

10 Posts
3 Users
0 Likes
1,538 Views
(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Okay, I think this chorus is a little better than the last one, but... What do you people think so far.

BRAND NEW DAY

Soon the darkness will subside
Sun comes up to dry your eyes
Light that drives the lone away
Turn to face a brand new day

I'm trying to make this song a Foo Fighters acoustic style song. In a nutshell, it's about how people can feel depressed and alone sometimes, but eventually the "darkness" will soon go away.

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
Quote
(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

like that one too, i think i like the other one more though. The Foo Fighters new acoustic songs rock.


   
ReplyQuote
(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

You probably didn't notice it, but I just edited the chorus.

Yeah, I'm trying to make this song similar to the acoustic songs on their new album. I'm making a goal to write an acoustic and electric song every week.

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
ReplyQuote
(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

i like the chorus more now.


   
ReplyQuote
(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey Constantyne, another good start.

Sometimes I gripe demanding clarity, but with your most recent chorus here, I think more obscurity is the order of the day. For example, "Day is coming" has been done. You don't have to drop the concept, but you need to either explain it in a new way, or make it personal. I can't make it personal for you, but as an example of explaining it in a new way, Caleb Karuth released an album called 'Darkness Falls' a few years back, which says pretty much the same thing, only more inadvertently. Maybe try something like:

Darkness soon to run and hide
Sun to kiss and dry your eyes
Depart the small and lonely grave
Walk to the light and face the day

I realize that changes your meaning from words of comfort to words that put the onus on the listenner, but I think you get the idea... a little more imagery, a little more mystery.

As for writing one acoustic and one electric piece each week, my advice is to be careful. I'd be afraid of:
a) burnout which will lead to no song writing whatsoever
b) setting a creative rutt, churning out a large volume of crap
c) dissapointing yourself one week when writers block hits because you set the bar too high

I'm not saying stop, but just be aware of the dangers. If you're writing only choruses, then you're not giving yourself enough time to finish your songs and you need to slow down.

On the Sunday Songwritters Group forum we typically do a song a week, which is tough enough, but going that route could guard you against the aforementioned dangers. Additionally, rather than just using the forum as a sounding board for your work, you'll get a closer view of how other people approach the task.

I know whereof I speak.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
ReplyQuote
(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Yeah, I just realized how tough it is. However, if I want to achieve my goal to write as many songs as I possibly can before college, I'm going to start with this plan just to see how it goes.

BTW, thanks for the advice. It should help me get through this song pretty well.

Just edited the chorus for the third time. It might sound a little better now than it did.

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
ReplyQuote
(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Okay, now I have the whole thing down. Tell me what you think.

VERSE 1
Deep inside it's dark and cold
Can't see anything
Miles and miles of endless grief
Leaves me scrambling
In your dark, depressing place
I cannot decide
What's been tearing you apart
At the cold divide

CHORUS
Soon the darkness will subside
Sun comes up to dry your eyes
Light that drives the lone away
Turn to face the brand new day

VERSE 2
Emptiness is filling up
In your broken smiles
Running waters turn to dust
Darkness runs on high
But you can set you free again
Get away from here
Take the demons in your head
And make them disappear

CHORUS

BRIDGE
One more day
Don't give up your hopes yet
One more day
The battle's just begun
One more day
You can make them all disappear

VERSE 3
Emptiness is breaking up
In your perfect smiles
Rivers flowing endlessly
Daylight runs on high

CHORUS

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
ReplyQuote
(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

hey, i like that... that does sound like the new Dave Grohl songs. I am a big fan of those and i like the first verse keep up the good work


   
ReplyQuote
(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

I edited that verse into the entire song. Tell me anything I need to work on. I know there's something.

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
ReplyQuote
(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

the bridge for me doesn't seem right. i guess it has no rhyming that i can tell and not sure about it i like the rest though. good job. so i would just change the bridge.


   
ReplyQuote