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Evaluate this chorus (Entire song to come soon)

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(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Over the past several days, I have written some pretty horrid songs. This is classified as one of them. Good thing I only have the chorus so far. Tell me what you think. Should I change the entire thing, or just a few words?

SKIN

You push me once but not again
You got too far under my skin
Now its my turn to have some fun
The games have only just begun

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hey there

You have :
You push me once but not again
You got too far under my skin
Now its my turn to have some fun
The games have only just begun

which is a good start but rememeber , your story for the rest should define how I got under your skin , how you intend to have fun , and most of all who am I ? your ex boyfriend / husband / lover / friend ?

I know I pushed you once and you won't take it again is this all I did ?

Can you see what I am saying ? :shock:

I am not being a pain and please , that is not what I mean to do but I am just trying to steer you in right direction before you post the entire song .

But then again you might want ot ignore what I have said after all it is your song .

only trying to help :wink:

Cheers
:P
L.K :arrow:

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

i like it. i played a melody for it in my head, probably not how you wrote it. But i picture it as a Blink-182ish type song. i really do like it.


   
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(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Well, this song is mostly about a friendship gone bad. It's like a "I'm agitated with you, and I want to get back at you for it" song. Until I write the verses to this song, this topic will not become clear, so I'll get to writing them very soon.

Thanks, lotto king, for the advice. I'll take them into play and see what comes out onto the paper.

Thanks, rejectedagain, thats really interesting. Personally, though, I'm trying to make this kind of a Foo Fighters style song but that's just me.

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
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(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

Foo Fighters is just as good, i recently wrote a song called 3 Strikes trying to make it a Foo Fighters type song. Check it out and tell me if you think i acheived that. Yeah Foo Fighters or Blink-182 its still really cool


   
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(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

Okay, here's a (very) rough draft right now. Just tell me how I can change up the song so that it makes complete sense.

SKIN

Those crys for help that sent me running
Only to catch you laughing
Those cruels tricks you always played on me
Sent my skyrocketing
Those rumors that you started about me
And spread them all around
Now, my friend, I think it's my turn
To drive you into the ground

You pushed me once but not again
You got too far under my skin
Now it's my turn to have some fun
The games have only just begun

All those things you said about me
That were never true
All those lies you decided to tell me
That made me blow a fuse
Those times you made me scream in horror
Without making a sound
Now, my friend, I think it's my turn
To run you into the ground

You pushed me once but not again
You got too far under my skin
Now it's my turn to have some fun
The games have only just begun

I ought to turn around and sock you in the face
I ought to take you down until you find your place
I'll make sure you don't p*ss me off again
Again

You pushed me once but not again
You got too far under my skin
Now it's my turn to have some fun
The games have only just begun

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
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(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
 

hey,

not sure how i feel about the first verse, i guess it just seems sorta out of place, doesn't work well type thing. the second verse is good, the rest of the song is good. i wish i had some suggestions for the first verse but i don't. anyway just keep changing the song, find new ways to fix it change it around. I would only suggest changing the first verse.


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 367
 

I liked it. I thought the first verse fit in just fine. It reminds me of a song I wrote called 'for the last time'. I'm not sure if I've posted here before. Anyway I related to the song and liked it a lot. Keep it up!

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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