hey people i've got another new song, again without a name, i've been letting it sit for a week or so and ready to let you read it, there is one line in the chorus that needs help, and you'll find it when you get to the chorus it's a very obviously needy line, any suggestions for that one, and comments and critiques would be greatly appreciated.
Untitled Song
As I lie awake,
Thoughts of you,
They flood my mind,
You are the only thought,
That keeps my heart beating in time,
And you have no idea the worth,
You are in my life,
And when, you say those three words,
We get lost for a moment in time…
When you say you love me,
Our hearts they beat as one,
And when you say you love me,
We're holding hands beneath the sun,
And you're all that matters,
In this world of pain and fear,
Your loves the reason,
Why I'm still here…
I gave it all away,
For you and this new life,
I threw it out the door,
For the pain and the strife,
And I just want to tell you,
That everything you've ever done, has,
Mesmerized me,
And my heart you have won…
And when you say you love me,
Our hearts they beat as one,
And when you say you love me,
We're holding hands beneath the sun,
And you're all that matters,
In this world of pain and fear,
And your loves the reason,
Why I'm here…
And love has taken me, and,
I have been captured by your beauty,
And life now has a meaning,
When you're here…
When you say you love me, oh,
When you say you love me, oh, ah,
When you say you love me…
And when you say you love me,
Our hearts they beat as one,
And when you say you love me,
We're holding hands beneath the sun,
And you're all that matters,
In this world of pain and fear,
And your loves the reason,
Why I'm here…
Aaah, bugger! Someone hold my hand, I'm in need of love!
There were some things here that I'll put my finger on, if you don't mind. They just sounded a bit..well.. weird to me. Here I go!
And you have no idea the worth,
You are in my life
To me, this looks like an upside down sentence. How about "And you have no idea how much I treasure you" or "what you mean to me"? Just kicking out some suggestions blindly here :)
We’re holding hands beneath the sun
This could be nice in an entirely different setting. You see, this is probably the only place in your lyrics where you actually say that you are doing something specific together, so it sort of stands out. I'd either change it to the more emotional type of lyrics you already have or start filling in with those sweet little moments.. (I'm so lovesick, someone call me! :))
Maybe something like "the mystery of love becomes undone"?
Also,
And my heart you have won…
This also sounds a bit weird to me. I don't know if you're going for the rhyme with done here, but in the first verse there weren't any rhymes.
How about "you have won my heart" or "you have won me over"?
Have you considered recording it? I often feel like a lot of what I suggest have little value without actually hearing the song. I like to hear how things work and what you have in mind :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
um... thanks i guess for being the only person to reply. um the beneath the sun part was the one screaming for help, so ya thanks. um but in the first verse the first two lines don't rhyme but then after that it does an abab rhyme scheme, it might be subtly but it is there, just so you know, it might be the way you have to read it or whatever. so i guess thanks.
