this is a song i'm working on for the international songwriting competition. it's a solo acoustic guitar song.. critiques/feedback would be really appreciated, thanks. :]
"Beautifully Discrete"
so you stood
unswayed
as the sky broke open
and waited for the rain
to wash it all away
could have been, it
should happen, this
day is unfolding
just a little too slow..
and while you waited...
it never came....
and so you wasted...
slowly away...
and so you ask yourself
could this be all there is
for me
you've watched the days roll by
and they've never gone on
being what you want
them to be
you're adrift
in your empty sea
and you're sinking..
and all that blue-tinged hope
that you wore on your sleeve
so discrete
and proud
it ran down to your fingertips
and then it ran out
yeah it dripped to the ground
and swirled about
and you say 'i can't believe...
it seems the years have taken
this toll on me'..
you can't be seen
the makeup slipping down your face
is bold
but beautifully discrete
and all you've gotten
you gave away...
it seems your dreams were lost
in every drop of rain..
and so you ask yourself
could this be all there is
for me
you've watched the days roll by
and they've never gone on
being what you want
them to be
you're adrift
in your empty sea
and you're sinking..
slowly away.....
slowly away.
-kyle
well, this is a great song, but for a competition, they're probably gonna be immediately confronted with the structure
the structure is fine and good, and I can definetely see how the music could move with it, but it is a little abstract, but if you're confident with it, stick to it
rhythm is great, and if the rhythm is good, meter doesn't matter, so don't worry about that
it also does a great job of capturing a moment, but I still wanted more detail by the end of it, it needs some more description of this emotion, not just the scene it exists in, if that helps
great writing
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
hey snoogans.
yeah, my structure is .. different.. i've been told by my producer that my guitar playing is similar to ani difranco's.. "pretty but confusing" he calls it.. which he said is a double-edged sword... i didn't think about being judged on structure too.. i'll noodle around with the music..maybe simplicity is best??
I still wanted more detail by the end of it, it needs some more description of this emotion, not just the scene it exists in
i didn't notice that until you pointed it out. thanks..
any suggestions on how to do that while keeping with the same "2nd person/narrative" voice?
possibly the reason i didn't describe the emotion too much is because i wasn't so sure myself what this character i created was feeling.. i imagined a girl standing in the rain waiting for something that will never come..
how could i describe that? i think i should work on this more....
-kyle
well, where do you live in hawaii? I've never seen better inspiration than any of those beaches
my ideas on how to give emotion from a 2nd person narrative
describe something famialiar, with a girl, everybody can identify with a face, something about her cheek maybe, whatever stands out the most in your image
similes and metaphors work well from this perspective, being that you are an observer, and you see the relationships, perhaps connections between her and waves, foam, twinkling of the moon, the sea itself, oceans have lots of great characteristics to pool from
and if you don't have that emotion, but just a smidgen, you're in the perfect position to write a song, you fill in the rest of the details your mind can't conjure with the words, so I agree, you should definetely chase after these thoughts, find out why you wrote em' :D
geez, ,I may be onto a song too :D
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
