Black crayon

I really liked this poem but yes the bridge didn't quite have a flow i'm not sure if this is any better and i'm a newbie at this whole thing but read it and tell me what you think.

You Left your castle
To live with tramps and theives
Fell to their weary eyes
their smoky air that in they breath
Dragged through out the bitter ground
all was covered with finest dirt
yet still we could make some rain
To wash away all this mud

Hi

Your bridge sounds o k to me if I was going to do anything to it (bridge )

I probably shorten it if anything

So here goes sorry if you don't like what I do to it !

you have :

B
Left your castle
To live with beggars and theives
Fell to their weary eyes
And the smoky air they breath
Dragged through the bitter ground
And covered up with dirt
But i still think we could make some rain
To wash away this mud

my version is :

Left your castle
To live with beggars and theives
Fell to their weary eyes
And the smoky air they breath
no fortune
now your doomed
now your doomed

ok it's probably the best but hey I gave it a shot

cheers

yes i really liked it, the last 2 lines of the chors are great by the way!it just lost its rhythem at the bridge, i couldnt get a feel for that!

Hey LostBeggings,

Good solid song.
I like the bridge lot. At least up to this point:
Left your castle
To live with beggars and theives
Fell to their weary eyes
And the smoky air they breath
Dragged through the bitter ground

But the last couple of lines:
all was covered with finest dirt
yet still we could make some rain
To wash away all this mud

It seems a tad bland. And it also adds the possibility that things aren't that dark, yet most of your song suggests that things ain't gonna get better and theres no going back.

Nice lyrics!
Have you composed it playing, or away of the guitar?
if so...have you tried music over it?

hey, thanks a bunch guys...and yeah i agree about the things u sed about the bridge...i wasnt sure about putting on...but i just had to get it in there cuz i had "something else to say" so to speak. And about the darkness thing...well...ummmmm...i guess your right...but...well...the verses are just kinda telling the story of what happened to the girl...and the chorus is kinda saying...well although you dont shine as bright anymore (eg your upset now)...i still know your a burning star....etc....and the bridge is a way of saying "someday you will be happy again"....so its not really a negative song....more of a sad story with a hopeful happy ending ...and um...yeah im putting music to it right now so it should be up sometimes
.......lol.....sorry i know im chating rubbish :lol: lol

cheers!!
+

Yeah, since that's your intent, use it. Hell, if it's only a little mud, let her slide.
It's a good song.

Thanks :D

very very very nice song... one thing that went through my head though when i was reading your chorus, was suicide... reminded me of my late cousin
C
So as i look into your eyes
The colours begin to fade
I tryed so hard to reach you
But your still so far away
And I know where you are
Even when you dont believe
Your right up with the stars
That burn up there, somewhere we never see

Im really sorry to hear that. Hmmm...i know where your coming from....it was meant to have more of a positive meaning guess its a double sided coin. Glad you like the song tho.....

Sorry. And Thanks

+

i actually like this song...rhymes well in parts and flows nicely...the bridge tho...mmm..i actually do like it, but its your song. good job and best of luck with more songs.