Change The World (Always)

A good first draft, with very good potential.

"If I could have anything
I'd have your love, not he. "

This is horrible. It's bad songwriting, and even worse english. I see what you're trying to do with it, but it kills all steam you've gathered through any good musical intro, and your first to lines of lyrics.

This is something you'll want to avoid, it looks like you've backed yourself into a corner, and now you're trying to make the best of bad situation. Sometimes, you'll have to back up and try again.

Overall, the concept/idea is good and you have a good first draft. Leave it be for a week or so, then go back and look it over and you'll probably see some faults and errors, that you'll be able to correct. And then, voila, a crisp finished product in need of a good tune. :D

i see what you mean, now that its been pointed out to me it does seem really bad.
well anyway, thanks for giving me your opinion it means a lot to me.

A good first draft, with very good potential.

"If I could have anything
I'd have your love, not he. "

This is horrible. It's bad songwriting, and even worse english. I see what you're trying to do with it, but it kills all steam you've gathered through any good musical intro, and your first to lines of lyrics.

This is something you'll want to avoid, it looks like you've backed yourself into a corner, and now you're trying to make the best of bad situation. Sometimes, you'll have to back up and try again.

Overall, the concept/idea is good and you have a good first draft. Leave it be for a week or so, then go back and look it over and you'll probably see some faults and errors, that you'll be able to correct. And then, voila, a crisp finished product in need of a good tune. :D

Critics can suck my male chicken (insert word of choice). Lyrics are NOT necessarily supposed to score an "A" in your english class, and I like your lyrics as is! I'd love to hear it to a melody. I wouldn't change a thing, and I especially wouldn't let someone on this board crush my creative spirit with a grammar lesson.

PK

Edit:

PS
The Stones wrote "Satisfaction" on a napkin in a hotel room in 3 minutes... That song has withstood the test of time. IMHO obsessing over and over, and changing the original inspriation that hit you can be a huge mistake. This song may or may not win a grammy, but I'd stick with it as is. Sometimes songs get re-written as our point of view changes.... but to change creativity over an issue of grammar? PUHLEEEEEEEEEEEEZE..... :x Just my $.04 (yes four cents... inflation in the George Bush era ya know)

In no way am I trying crush anyones creative spirit. I was just posting an honest criticism. This made by assuming she didn't post her lyrics on here with a this-is-finished-so-love-it-because-it-is-perfect attitude, which I don't think is the case. Personally, I enjoyed the song, there were just a few things in "my opinion" I thought I should point out. No way am I claiming to be right, but I do believe an honest criticism will help someone a lot better, "it's perfect now let me lick your toes."

One guideline(Not a Rule) I use in writing, and I believe you can find it on this site.

16. If you would never, ever say it that way, double check that you can sing it that way.
Probably tied for number one on the most often seen problem list, is the forced rhyme. Don't do it. Forced rhyme pegs you as an amateur right away. Not even great lyrics will pass the "would you say it that way" test all of the time, but it is a good test. The most often seen example of this is the reversed sentence:
"..and so to you I will not go."
or something similar. Wouldn't you just say "I will not go to you"

PS

"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Good songs aren't written. They're rewritten", and I guess old Paul ought to know. EVERY song has problems, and in your songs, you will know exactly where they are. The throwaway lyric, the cheap rhyme, the part that you stole from "Moon River", because you couldn't decide where the melody should go next, etc., etc."

There is my $.04, which comes to about $.02 US, since I'm paying in Canadian Funds. :D

In no way am I trying crush anyones creative spirit. I was just posting an honest criticism. This made by assuming she didn't post her lyrics on here with a this-is-finished-so-love-it-because-it-is-perfect attitude, which I don't think is the case. Personally, I enjoyed the song, there were just a few things in "my opinion" I thought I should point out. No way am I claiming to be right, but I do believe an honest criticism will help someone a lot better, "it's perfect now let me lick your toes."

One guideline(Not a Rule) I use in writing, and I believe you can find it on this site.

16. If you would never, ever say it that way, double check that you can sing it that way.
Probably tied for number one on the most often seen problem list, is the forced rhyme. Don't do it. Forced rhyme pegs you as an amateur right away. Not even great lyrics will pass the "would you say it that way" test all of the time, but it is a good test. The most often seen example of this is the reversed sentence:
"..and so to you I will not go."
or something similar. Wouldn't you just say "I will not go to you"

PS

"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Good songs aren't written. They're rewritten", and I guess old Paul ought to know. EVERY song has problems, and in your songs, you will know exactly where they are. The throwaway lyric, the cheap rhyme, the part that you stole from "Moon River", because you couldn't decide where the melody should go next, etc., etc."

There is my $.04, which comes to about $.02 US, since I'm paying in Canadian Funds. :D

Much better feedback.... I thought the first was too harsh. Anyhow, thanks for clearing that up and sorry if i was too harsh on you. I believe in good relations with our friends to the north (My wife is from Toronto).

Cheers,

PK