Hey everyone,
I just wanted to post a new song i have been writing off and on for two months. It's called "The World You Say" I guess I'll give an back story of this song. It revolves around a situation when you are a womans guilty pleasure. when you are the one she runs to you every time something is wrong with her actual relationship. I hope you guys enjoy it and I would appreciate any feedback you have.
Waking up it's
half past 10
And I kiss you on your cheek
I can tell he
Broke your heart again
Cause your lying next to me
Pre-chorus
The more he hurts you
The more you run to me
Waking up
The sun is high
And you start to feel guilt
I can tell your
Emotions ran high
And into my arms you spilt
The more he hurts you
The more you run to me
Chorus
So will you stay or will you go
Cause I can't put much stock into
All those words you say
So will you stay or will you go.
Cause I can't spend much time with
All those games you play.
Waking up
And I'm all along
Your side of the bed is made
I can tell that
You finally went home
And things will remain the same
The More He hurts you
The more you run to me
Chorus
So will you stay or will you go
Cause I can't put much stock into
All those words you say
So will you stay or will you go.
Cause I can't spend much time with
All those games you play.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Again, any feedback would be wonderful.
Welcome to GuitarNoise, Chris.
I really like the lyrics. I like a song that tells a story.
I'll put some things I thought of in red so you can compare it to the original.
Waking up it's
half past 10
And I kiss you on your cheek
I can tell he
Broke your heart again
Cause your lying next to me
Pre-chorus
The more he hurts you
The more you run to me
Waking up
The sun is high
And you start to feel the guilt And your guilt is plain to see
I can tell your I understand
Emotions ran high Your need to run
And into my arms you spilt And into my arms you flee
or
Waking up
The sun is high
And you start to feel the guilt And your guilt is plain to see
I can tell your I understand
Emotions ran high Your need to run
And into my arms you spilt But what is it you want from me?
The more he hurts you
The more you run to me
Chorus
So will you stay or will you go
Cause I can't put much stock into Cause I've learned I cannot trust
All those words you say
So will you stay or will you go.
Cause I can't spend much time with Cause I don't have time to deal with or
Cause I don't have much time for
All those games you play.
Waking up
And I'm all along <--alone?
Your side of the bed is made
I can tell that Telling me that
You finally went home
And things will remain the same And things remain the same
Edit: I really like this song so I took a second and third look. And thought of an alternate Pre-chorus
Pre-chorus
The more he hurts you
The more you run to me
Every time he hurts you
You always run to me
Just some suggestions. Feel free to disregard. It's real good the way it is.
Put a good melody to it and sing it like Randy Travis and you'd have a hit.
Something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te3l7Y5CUmc
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hey Chris.... Welcome to GN :D
Great song.
The first verse is killer!
I know that I can relate to this.... Was involved with a girl I worked with.
She was with a guy that was abusive to her, and I treated her right.... Yadda yadda.
It finally got to the point that she was going to leave him....
and they got into an argument that night, and of course she stayed with him.
Said that she just couldn't hurt him.
Of course she still wanted me on the side.
I told her - no way. Leave him, then maybe.
That was over three years ago.... she's still with him....
And from what I hear; Still wants me!
CRAZY!
Anyway -
Don'know.... I was thinking that 'And I kiss you on your cheek'
could be - 'And as I kiss your cheek'
Not sure that I dig the pre-chorus thing....
Maybe you have settled on a melody that I'm just not getting though....?
The second verse:
I really like KR's 2nd write up. (Minus the 'But') (maybe 'So, what is it you want from me') (or maybe 'Now, what is it you want from me)
It seems to be lacking an 'action' to me though.... Say instead of ' waking up, the sun is high' , have him notice her
guilty distraction over breakfast.... or as he makes her breakfast....?
The story seems to need to show some time the two of them spend together.... or some moment they share.
There just seems to be a hole without something like that.
Leaving KR's wonderful last line as an intro to the chorus;
Perhaps something like:
tell me: who by yer side
restores all yer pride
and gives you back your dignity
If it's me that you want
don't come back till he's gone
till then; the words you say
I wont be....lieve
Because;
the more he hurts you
the more that you hurt me
I tried to fit the title in, as well as a modified pre-chorus at the end there.
The third verse:
The waking up is a bit redundant.
If you change the 2nd to an action like having breakfast, we already know that you've woken up.
The line - 'You finally went home', makes it sound like you couldn't wait for her to leave!
'Your side of the bed is made' & 'And things will remain the same' I like.
I think a new verse should be written around those though.... Perhaps taking place later that night
When he goes to bed without her this time.... Or perhaps waking up the NEXT day without her.
Hmmmm.... And having just written out the first two verses and my idea for the chorus together....
There seems to be an awful lot of 'me' type rhyming throughout.... A bit too much for my liking.
Whada you think?
Def. a great song with a lot of potential.
And I hear it in a sorta country way as well.
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
Hi and welcome Chris,
Great theme and nicely done. Us fellow songwriters always want to tweak somebody else's words around a bit - and I'm no exception. So I would have rephrased a couple of spots and tweaked it a bit more too. But, as Ken and Ken said, it looks like a great song with a lot of potential.
Cheers,
Chris
Hey you're good (singing and guitaring), Chris.
I just checked out a couple of your songs on your website (the one in your signature)
Please let us know when you put this one up.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hey Guys,
first i wanted to say thank you for all your input, I really appreciate it and I actually made several changes to the song based on it. I've listed them bellow and given a brief reason for the chance or the placement of the part.
Verses
2nd
Getting dressed
And I see the signs
That comes along with our routine
You try your best to
Avert your eyes
So I can't be seen.
I took CitiZenNoir's advice and tried to progress the story more, instead of constantly having the verse begin with the words "Waking up" I also wanted to make the "Partners" Guilt seem apparent by "Avert your eyes" and I also used the verse to show that this was not a Fluke or freak occurrence by putting in the lines "And I see the signs, That comes along with our routine".
Last
Waking up
I'm all alone
and Your side of the bed is made
I can tell that
You went back home
And things remain the same
I didn't change much from this verse aside from the word Finally. it did make it seem as if the first person was happy to see them go.
Pre Chorus
The more that he hurts you
The more that he hurts me
I realized, from your comments and by re-reading my words, that I had made the songs theme very clear in the opening verse. therefore I felt that I could use the pre-chorus to show the feelings of the(the word is escaping me, we'll say) performer's perspective. AKA the one that is run to.
Bridge
Who swallowed his pride
Every time
You needed a
Shoulder to cry on
so just let me say
If things stay the same
You can count me out of the next one
Cause it's on it way
This Bridge, Which is placed after the second chorus, is derived from the alternate chorus that was put up by CitizenNoir. I didn't want to change the chorus because, and maybe it's just me but, I'm stubborn. I get stuck on certain parts of verses and chrous' and I don't wanna change them. But anyway, I did like the idea of pride and it got stuck in my head. So I spent a few days working it around as a bridge. After two days and dozens of people staring at me as I sang while walking down the street with no headphones, I came up with that.
I hope you like the alterations I have made and obviously you may have to copy and paste them in order to get a better idea of how the song will work out. I unfortunately do not have any home recording equipment so I will do my best to post it on Youtube when I get the chance. Thanks again for all your help and I will be posting a new song soon.
