please leave comments a dont care if they are harse as it will improve my songwritting and say wot you think cuz it wont offendme
nd this is my first time posting so yes am a newbie
This is my life and its hell
and its falling apart in front of me
am dying here on my knees
why dosen't someone come save me
a need to break free of this torture
This love is killing me
but ave found something
worth living for as i wanted to
kill myself
this is my life and i'll do what
a want cuz its ma life
why don't a kill myself for then
it will be over and be free of this
pain
This love is killing me
but ave found something
worth living for as i wanted to
kill myself
why dont i see this day thourgh
as i cant break free off this pain
but at least i have found something
worth living for so come take me
above this life
this love is killing me but a have found
something worth living for but i'll
see this day through one last time
Paul Murray
Hey there and welcome, Personally i think youve got some real strong points in there. A few comments to make would be first of all the spelling, whether its accidental or intentional the spelling makes the piece harder to read ( Eg the replacing 'I' with 'a'. Second of all a lot of it is a bit ‘wordy' in places…Eg the part:
this is my life and i'll do what
a want cuz its ma life
wy don't a kill maself for then
it will be over and be free of this
pain
It takes a bit of a struggle to read and understand and the reapt of ‘this is my life' also makes me stumble when I read it….maybe you could replace it with something similar to
This is my life and ill do what I want
Its mine, so I can take it away
And free myself of the pain
Obvious that doesn't really fit with the structure of the other verses but, if you can get what I mean. It's less ‘wordy' but kind of gets the same message across (but don't literally use my example because its a terrible example lol)….but….
Other than that's, its good…its got some nice pieces in there…I especially like:
why dont a see this day thourgh
as a cant break free off this pain
but a least ave found something
worth living forso come take me
above this life
So, good song, and be sure to post more!!
NeM
Rain Shadow
Welcome to the forum!
I agree with LB. It needs work on the spelling. If it is intentional, it is still hard to read. I had "Diluted" by Slipknot stuck in my head, so I put it to that tune and it sounded pretty good.but ave found something worth living forI really like this part. It was a good song. I would really like to see more work from you. The depth is interesting. Be sure to comment on others' songs, too. That's the whole point of the club. Keep it up!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
thanks guy i,ll keep that in mind and i,ll check the errors in the song
thanks again guys
Paul Murray
Yes, I agree, the wording makes it sometimes hard to read.
Other than that I like it.
I had some Slipknot tune in my head too. But as I am not the biggest fan I don't know which one.
I guess it kinda fits into this mood.
NO MORE THEORY!!
um...
KNOW MORE THEORY!!!!
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motz
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