Okay this is a slightly epic post, had to include all the choruses since it changes each time.
This was supposed to have a rock feel (oops) I was also meant to fit it to a friend's guitar chords (oops)
It's also my first full song lyrics! So it'd be nice to get some feedback on it. :)
Will upload a recording of me singing it the way it sounds in my head soon. It'll have to be a cappella since I have no idea on what chords will fit it. (Any suggestions welcome)
*Edit* Old lyrics in red in brackets after updated lyrics
Verse 1
The mist embraced my windowsill (A rainbow graced my windowsill)
The tiny drops, of morning dew (The multi colours, red to blue)
Washed away my darkened thoughts
Of time, spent with you
Chorus
Cause everything you touch fades to grey
From the scattered white houses (From seashells picked fresh from the shore)
To the cold winter rain (To window panes both large and small)
It all fades away
Verse 2
I saw you in the park that day
The kids all running, round your legs
You reached your hand out playfully
They ducked, and ran away (screamed)
Chorus
Cause everything you touch fades to grey
From the wooden park benches
To the maples in May
It all fades away
Verse 3
The flower wilted in your hands
Its petals so blue, tumbling down
You smiled in glee as they fell to your feet
Down, to the ground (into dirt)
Cause everything you touch fades to grey
From the flowers all blooming
To the open grass plains
It all fades away
It all fades away
Fades to…
Everything you touch fades to grey
From all we've been through
To the end of our games
It all fades away
It all fades away
Fades to grey
Hey Jay,
You've got some very workable imagery in parts of this song but, at least in my opinion, it's in need of some editing. I've listened to your recording of the putative vocal line, and taken as a whole I found it descended into a sort of monotone. You're repeating the same basic melodic idea ad nauseam, by which I mean that there's little perceivable difference between the verses and the chorus. As far as the lyrics go, you're all over the place in terms of meter. For example, compare the first chorus to the second. You're repeating the first line in each chorus, which I do think is a promising idea, but there's an inconsistency in the second line. In the first chorus, you have 8 syllables in the second line (From [1] sea[2] shells[3] picked [4] fresh [5] from [6] the [7] shore[8]), whereas in the second chorus there are 7 (From [1] the [2] wood [3] en [4] park [5] ben [6] ches [7]). There are other examples of this in the song, but I've spelled this one out to illustrate what I perceive to be the problem. When it comes to the specific subject matter, I found the imagery in Verse 2 a bit out of step with the rest of the song, which is focused on the woman's (i assume) relationship to the natural world and the environment around her. Frankly it sounded a bit like the person in question was some kind of horrorshow (which may have been what you had in mind :wink: ) or pedophile, and seemed a bit jarring compared to the sense of privacy and intimacy between 2 people in the rest of the song. That all said, I quite like the repeated image (everything you touch fades to grey), and with a bit of tightening in the writing and some more varied dynamics in the melody, I think you could be sitting on something very interesting here.
Thanks for the reply. Yeah I agree with you on most of that, still in the process of editing it, I'll show you what I've changed in the original post, and leave the old lyrics in brackets afterward.
