How do people think I can improve this in any way? (It's just a first draft, so I'm not picky about anything that might need changing)
Chariot
Alone,
I'm wondering how long it could be,
when every night, I look to the stars and I see,
There's something there, and clearly it shows,
It beckons me, my time is running low,
Amazing, how its soothing the pain,
Now I wake every day, just to see the night again,
And when I dream, I dream the most wonderful dream,
For I know, some night soon, the angels are coming for me,
Oh, I'm waiting for the Chariot,
Take me,
So Cold,
And my time grows shorter by the day,
And now, its just so hard to stay awake,
For my body wants to stay at rest,
I'm tempted by sleep's caress,
But to stay awake is to be a star,
I shine so you can see me where you are,
My time grows short, and my end is getting so near,
Yet when I pray, I still hope that angels will hear,
Oh, I'm waiting for the Chariot,
Take me,
Where's home?
My body now is but a shell
My mind just wants to bid farewell,
I sometimes want to get away from there,
I just don't know how much more I can bear,
Chariot, Chariot, I saw you near the stars,
I'm desperate, I should be where you are,
Angels, why won't you come, and take me?
You are where I'm supposed to be.
Oh, I'm waiting for the Chariot,
Take me,
Oh, I'm waiting for you Chariot,
Take me,
Take me home, Take me home, Take me home…
Somnium Dulcis.
Hey I really, really like that. Great first attempt. I'll post something longer later, as I am in a hurry, but I really like that :D
"Contrary to popular belief, Clapton is NOT God. The prospect that he is God probably had a large hand in driving him to drugs and booze. Thanks everyone."
-Guitar World :lol:
well, things usually don't some out of our heads with any structure, but I love looking at this raw stuff
some of the lines jump around too quick for an example
It beckons me, my time is running low,
when we're just jotting things down, we try to get everything dow at once, and you get stuff like this, these two things are completely different subjects, a better way to lay them down would be like
It beckons me=A, My time is running low=B
A
detail
B
detail
you do it a few times, you should just go through and separate all the different subjects apart, other than that, this is really great for a first draft
getting to things to remember, I really got a great sense of conflict in the second stanza, which you never resolve, it just finishes as it started, which is sorta boring, there's a bunch of things you could do to resolve it, but I suggest you play around with a final verse
great poem, great ideas!
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
I really liked the flow of it. It reminded me of the Nine Inch Nails song "Hurt". The only thing is maybe set it up a little more. WHy is the chariot coming? Is it old age...is it a terminal sickness....is it a broken heart?
Why are this persons dreams better than his/her reality?
Very cool ideas though....Keep up the good writing!
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
Thankya for the feedback, I'll be starting on perhaps a concluding verse over the next couple of days, so maybe I'll post that when its done.
Thanks again :)
Somnium Dulcis.
