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"i thought"

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(@xlosexyoux)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 12
Topic starter  

i was at work today, standing at the register bored as HELL and got hit with this idea. i have all these little side notes written on the paper about speed and mood but i don't know how i'll add them in. please be brutly honest about this please! i'm very open to critques! so ... enjoy!!

"i thought"

[opening]
i thought i wanted you
wanted you all for me
needed you to love me ...

[v1]
but now that you care
i don't want it from you
you hang on my every word
and it kind of makes me sick.

[v2]
you leave me 40 messages
when you know i'm away
you never give me time
time for myself.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

[v3]
you wanted to make plans
every single day
you push me
when i'm already on the verge.

[v4]
you never want to let me go
always want to be with me
and although it sounds like an idea
a girl needs some space.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

[bridge]
i love you before
and you pushed me away
now its the other way around
so i'll do the same.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

please let me know what you think. i wasn't going to label every part of the song but i figured it would help with side notes. for the [opening]music is soft, acoustic guitars and gives off the feeling of romance but once [v1] starts, to the end, it is more acoustic but more angry feeling and louder.

"i collect friends, i have about three." - ville valo

"listen, ryan's at it again. he just got stabbed in the eye with a fork and now he has to rock a pirate patch for atleast a month. its ridiculous." 'valo' *bam margera*


   
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(@guy_d)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 16
 

this song is a better song than the other one you posted, its repetition are its strong pionts although it suffer from the same rythme problems as the other song. Or at least that is what i think.

People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.

Bob Dylan, Love Minus Zero/No Limit,


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I like it, you could do this any number of ways......maybe it'd help people judge these songs better if we gave a rough thumbnail sketch of our songs, you know, what chords you're thinking of using, etc......

I especially like the bridge, it's a great summary.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@snoogans775)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 297
 

this could be put into a rhythm easily, it's just not all uniform, which can be very good

you're not describing anything, you just explain and tell your thoughts without using any metaphors, imagery, or any other tools to help the listener. There must be something in your head other than words that you can pull out and smack on the paper.

besides that, you described the situation well

I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!


   
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