Leaders give solemn assurances
that we must fight their war
people must die based on their facts and law
Those facts had better be right
Justification for war is nonsense
Mis-characterising weapons of mass destruction
could lay on their conscience
Dream of a day when religion isn't war-
cant change a faith with a knock of a door
Dream of a time when we can all be brothers-
not fighting for land that belongs to others
Dream of a past which isn't stained with hate-
no rapists, racists, murders or fascists-
No leaders above us treating us like bate
Dream of yourself in a world without time-
thoughts and emotions flow through your mind
Dream of an Elysium,
when maybe this is realised
Living in a world that isn't so criminalised
Because Today is the day,
That Know one wants to say,
What they have said or what they've done wrong
All I know is that the Day will come for you
To get down on your knees and pray
I see you brother,
you ain't got a heart to spare,
no mouths to feed, a soul to share,
See me friend, all I got is me,
I got a thought for you,
do you have one for me
Try to see people, the past has gone they've committed the crime,
the path is laid so speak your minds
I like what you've written, but it seemed to feel like a spoken poem more than a song. I'd be curious to know what kind of feel you are going for...acoustic/rock/alt...etc. That would probably help me to feel it a little better.
Just a thought in this verse...
Dream of yourself in a world without time-
thoughts and emotions flow through your mind
Dream of an Elysium,
when maybe this is realised
Living in a world that isn't so criminalised
It might be cool to change the third line to:
Dreams of Elysium fields
If you'e going to use a greek "myth" type of imagery...might as well go all the way, I think it's cool imagery.
Good writing!
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
Sounds like rap to me.
The king of rock, some say lives
the lizard king, is surely dead
the king of France, lost his head
the King of Kings... bled
( email me at esherman@wideopenwest.(com). I almost never check my hotmailaccount.
a little too preachy for my taste.. but you're obviously passionate about this.
the diction seems a tad bit dry and a little too formal.
Because Today is the day,
That Know one wants to say,
What they have said or what they've done wrong
All I know is that the Day will come for you
To get down on your knees and pray
"know one" ?
the day will come for you to get on your knees and pray.. that line i didn't like.. sounds like you are pushing religion onto your listeners. remember your audience is going to have their own beliefs. you can preach, but don't push.
otherwise, good job.
On first reading, it seemed as though this style would suit something like a rap ballad or something. Or perhaps even, similar to "Meat loaf: Bat out of hell?" I dont know it just reminded me of it for some reason.
some very strong and powerful phrases. You obvioulsy have strong feelings on this topic, as they are well conveyed.
" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."
