LITTLE ONE CRIES(REWRITE)

HI Debbie { hope you don't mind }

I only have one problem with your song ,

The length of verses are not uniform , now that is not a big deal really but when your trying to add music to your lyrics it will be a lot easier if things are more unform ..

1st verse

8 lines long ,

1st line 6 sylabols ,
2nd line 6 sylabols
3rd line 6 sylabols
4th line 8 sylabols
5th line 9 sylabols
6th line 10 sylabols
7th line 11sylabols
8th line 8 sylabols

now like I said no big deal really but it does pose a bit of a problem when adding music , I would probably add some words to the 6 sylabol lines as this ..
/ / / / D / / / / C / / / / G / / / /
so tell me WHY DO U CRY, THAT WAY
i only WISH I COULD HOLD U CLOSE
i just want to TAKE AWAY YOUR PAIN
IF ONLY I COULD just TURN BACK TIME
VEIW THOSE IMIGAS STILL IN YOUR MIND
I'D CLEAR THE SKELETONS FROM YOUR HEAD
WORLD OF HORRER WHEN U CLOSE YOUR EYES
my darling LITTLE ONE CRIES DEEP INSIDE

To me I can add a simple 3 chord progression to it and fit the lyrics in nicely ..But without some uniformity with in the structure of the song makes it very hard for a hacker like me ...

This is just my untrained opinion on this , I think its' all how you have the song in your head , just right now as it stands I can't get in to it ...

I really do like the chorus though , and the very last 2 lines are GOLD ...

Sorry if my reply offends you , it is just my opinion disreguard my post if it does offend ...

Trevor

Hi Mystic,
I think you are right to persist with this song, it really does have some potential.
This line here is extraordinary
THE LITTLE ONE CRIES DEEP INSIDE
I agree with Trevor in terms of some of the techniques you can use to really get the most from your song. Consistency with your rhyming scheme is certainly one. What can really help is if you have the music first, that way you're forced into a pattern that will work. I think I read somewhere that you don't play an instrument, in this case what you can do is borrow someone else's, we would never know, find a piece of music that suits the mood your after and write your lyrics around those. As for your song I think I might be inclined to remove the “you to parent” relationship of this song and focus more on the “parent to child” relationship because I'm not sure who to relate to when I read it. Another thing that really helps is a hook (the one thing that I will remember about this song tomorrow). That extraordinary line for my money is your hook line. If you build your song around that line/idea and maybe use it in the chorus I think this song could be quite powerful.
These are just my opinions BTW, good luck and do stick with it, there's a good song here.

Paul

thank you sooo much for your replies :P no offence ever taken I'm here to learn and without criticism I would be no better of than I am now :D
I see what you mean I guess I didn't consider the writting of the music too much, because I don't realy understand how that part works for not only don't I play a insterment I am tone deaf as well... ya it sucks but i do swear one day I will learn to play the guitar I do beleive it would help my writing in a big way..
again thank you both this gives me a ton to think about ...so its back to the note pad to see what I can do..

:wink: Mystic

Just glad to help