Tell me what you think so far;
(and) every time I look, into the glitter of your eyes
I feel so safe and alive
I know that this fire will never die
Cause Natasha, you and I
I'll never let my life pass me by
Casue you'll always be by my side
from the memories we share
you opened your eyes and I was there
and I know true love is rare
but take this sweater that i wear
and you know for you ill always care
Is this in response to a Sunday Songwriters' Assignment? I'm a bit out of touch.
ok, it's cheesy enough to give a mouse nightmares. It needs work. Let's see what we can make of it.
2nd line - is this meant to be two lines? If not, you're either going to struggle to squeeze it all in or the other lines are going to be very d-r-a-w-n o-u-t
4th line - what fire? Give it to us in words
5th line - where's it going? All of a sudden line 6 heads off at a tangent
6th line - you'll never let your/i] life pass you by? What's happened in her life? or are you now beating her up?
9th line - what's the story? What happened? Ten years in a coma?
last line - reads better if it goes "and you know I'll always care for you"
Does she know you've put her name in it? I wouldn't use names; at least if you don't use names you can recycle it for the next girlfriend (yes, I know, call me a cynic.)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
(and) every time I - I like the idea of starting a song with "And"
look, into the glitter of your eyes - "Glitter of your eyes" :)
I feel so safe and alive
I know that this fire will never die - I would drop either "that" or "this"
Cause Natasha, you and I "Cause" seems unnecessary
I'll never let my life pass me by
Casue you'll always be by my side
from the memories we share
you opened your eyes and I was there
and I know true love is rare
but take this sweater that i wear Is the word "but" necessary?
and you know for you ill always care - This line seems awkward
You joined today and posted your first song :) I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Have you got a melody in mind?
I hope this is for your 'Girlfriend' and not for fiend.....:D
Welcome to the forum Nibbles. Chin up and keep at it.
A bit of a rocky start for you, but hey, think of it this way, you rock?
Actually I agreee with the guys' comments which I believe are really very constructive.
Songwriting is an art, and you'll need to put more on the canvas for this one, or define your scene.
You can do it - I thought I was songwriter 40 years ago, but am still learning. There's a format to follow - stick to that, and when working on this song or writing in the future, sometimes you still miss... sometimes you'll get lucky and just hit it! :wink:
Uhh, that was my pep talk. My own critique and for your consideration is to put more 'concretre' or tangible references into the song lyrics, and less of a generic/sterile quality with seemingly simple lines of feeling and emotion. Tell us the story. :D
Okay, so I really, really liked the bit about the sweater - that could be for real, has "feel", and that's what I'm talkin' about.
Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
