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Lyrics for review

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(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
Topic starter  

Here are some lyric sets I have been working on. Figured I would slam them all in one post rather than multiple posts. Looking for feedback, critisism, etc...

Song 1 - The Forge
Find a place with an open view
Watch the Earth as she dies
The Forge of God has run us through
The end of a world and a billion lives

I stood at the heights of the world
Yesturday's found love in my arms as we fell
The skies burned red and the Earth cracked open
My stone is broken

Upon the day the machines arived
We finally knew we are not alone
Calling forth we invited destruction
The preditors have found their prey

Into the sea our doom crashed down
The smoking gun that shot our world in the head
A song of death as the bullets spin round
We are already dead.

Song 2 - Survivor
How does it feel to be a survivor?
To make it through, to see it for what it was
Does the smell of plastic burning bring it all back?

Living your suicide
And to think
That you could think
It would end in any other way

And now you feel old for your years
You'll pay the cost, wish for the time that is lost
Pray turn back the clock, live it all differently

That time has passed
And to think
That you could think
It would end in any other way

How it does burn to be a survivor
I have lived it through, lived to see it as it was
The smell of plastic burning won't let me forget a thing.

Song 3 - Mechanism
There is a distant careening mechanism
It moves ever slowly this way
The path behind is line in ruin
The path before holds all I love

I hear the distant thunder of explosive arms
When will my friends come home?
I cannot say I understand the need
To prove ourselves to be our enemies

A distant mechanism turns its head this way
It rides upon a wave of wanton cruelty
The tourtured cries of our broken lives
Cannot slow this freighttrain down.

As you can see they are all rather raw and incomplete though have all seen edits.

10 points if you know what The Forge references.


   
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(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
Topic starter  

If beliefs are to become law
Who shall set the stage
Who shall dispense judgement
Who shall see it done

If beliefs are to become law
So long as those beliefs are mine
I will be there to see it done
And force them on everyone

If the state should sponsor religion
Who's religion shall it be
Who shall interpret the will of god
Who's god will they see

If the state should sponsor religion
So long as that religion is mine
I will be there to see it done
See it forced on everyone

Could it be that we don't quite see - eye to eye
That is only because you aren't as enlightened as I
The sanctity of my beliefs must be restored
Therefor I must see to it they become yours.


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
 

Roberts, hi!
Song 1 - The Forge
Find a place with an open view
Watch the Earth as she dies
The Forge of God has run us through
The end of a world and a billion lives

I stood at the heights of the world
Yesturday's found love in my arms as we fell
The skies burned red and the Earth cracked open
My stone is broken

Upon the day the machines arived
We finally knew we are not alone
Calling forth we invited destruction
The preditors have found their prey

Into the sea our doom crashed down
The smoking gun that shot our world in the head
A song of death as the bullets spin round
We are already dead.

You get the message across pretty well. The opening verse is very impressive. Second verse, drop "yesturday's" in your second line. Honestly, you'll be better off without it. How about "found love in her arms as we fell...".
All in all a powerful song. Needs the usual revisions to make it more song-like. Anyway, as a spontaneous set of ideas, it works mate. m/

Sachin
p.s. man, separate threads for each song works better i tell ya. :wink:

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
Topic starter  

Roberts, hi!
Second verse, drop "yesturday's" in your second line. Honestly, you'll be better off without it. How about "found love in her arms as we fell...".

It might work except it is pretty important to the story. Its a song about the end of the world and that particular perspective is from a guy who knew, who meets a woman the night before who also knew, and they both said, "Screw it, lets get together." They are at Yosemete park, they climbed up some rock, don't remember the name and have never been to it, to watch. They are there with a bunch of other people who had the same idea. She is yesturday's found love.

And actually it is an extension of the first verse, those parts are about the same person. I only have the two sections so far.

I'm glad it is getting the story across, it is really hard to do that one justice. There is just so much to say.


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
 

Roberts, hi!
Second verse, drop "yesturday's" in your second line. Honestly, you'll be better off without it. How about "found love in her arms as we fell...".

It might work except it is pretty important to the story. Its a song about the end of the world and that particular perspective is from a guy who knew, who meets a woman the night before who also knew, and they both said, "Screw it, lets get together." They are at Yosemete park, they climbed up some rock, don't remember the name and have never been to it, to watch. They are there with a bunch of other people who had the same idea. She is yesturday's found love.

And actually it is an extension of the first verse, those parts are about the same person. I only have the two sections so far.

I'm glad it is getting the story across, it is really hard to do that one justice. There is just so much to say.
ay, ok man. got that. good writing m/

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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