Just wrote two new songs
Looking for some feedback
myspace.com/meetbukskywoker
Fed Up
Fed Up
I Don't need you
Or you to explain
Now I know why
You've been playing those games
Still arguing).
Over any kind of thing
It looks like your stalling
But You don't have to wait
I've tried to make work
And you don't feel that way
So now I'm on my way
Chorus
been a long time coming
I won't wait
Another minute
Or a breath that I'll take
So as I leave you
You know I'm
Fed up with you
I'm Fed up
Verse 2
I don't need you
And you won't be missed
Can't take you
Or those other intr'est
Y' never lived up
To all your promises
You won't support me
So why are we friends
I've tried to make work
And you don't feel that way
So now I'm on my way
Chorus
been a long time coming
I won't wait
Another minute
Or a breath that I'll take
So as I leave you
You know I'm
Fed up with you
I'm Fed up
Untitled (Bass)
The Cops rushed in
Then they yelled freeze
And all this happened
With a melody
When they found you
You stared at me
Our song was made but could you sing
Cause Your eyes were faint and glassed over
There was no mumbling
We came in here together
But only now I breathe
Chorus
You took a line
I strummed the phrase
You made the rock
From powdered cake
And your last thought
I'll never see
Nothing left
Just a memory
V.2
The sound of strings
So far from me
This all happened
With a first degree
They looked for hours
Then searched for weeks
Noone to blame but only me
Cause Your eyes were faint and glassed over
There was no mumbling
We came in there to together
But only now I breathe
Chorus
You took a line
I strummed the phrase
You made the rock
From powdered cake
And your last thought
I'll never see
Nothing left
Just a memory
Very good, I mean that. Many people have sent me their songs over the years, in the past. And I have done the same to artists, agents and labels, and been critiqued, mostly rejected. :roll:
I would like to talk about the first song only, or Fed Up. To be constructive, and for your benefit I think you need to re-work something here:
And you don't feel that way
So now I'm on my way
The phrase "on my way" I've been told is too generic and not strong enough in imagery. That's why we say things like "Hittin the road", "Beatin' the blacktop", or "Rollin' on", "Gettin' outta here", "We're history" etc., etc. Shania last used "Outta here" with great success.
And it's rare, but we do see it once in awhile, the same word used as a rhyme. I refer to the word "way".
Just a suggestion, quickly in the mind but by no means to be taken as permanent:
And you don't feel that way
I'm heading for a brand new day
or:
And you don't feel that way
No reason I should stay
I just did it too, IMO, a weak phrase, "reason" is a poor word, doesn't say anything, but it's the idea that counts. Look for something strong, such as the example which is the polar opposite in the Rolling Stone's "Wild Horses" (couldn't drag me away).
:D
Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
