OK........ I did it........ Elecktra's Blues

I liked it! :D Was listening to Etta James At Last the other day and I can hear your lyrics in that style. Keep posting.

I liked it! :D Was listening to Etta James At Last the other day and I can hear your lyrics in that style. Keep posting.

Thank you! That is the exact style I was going for!

Elecktrablue,

I love this. It's really good. You nailed the style wonderfully. The only thing that threw me a bit, is the structure. I could be totally off here, it's one of those things that you just can't tell for sure when reading it, many many times I thought "Gee,... that's off a bit" and then when I heard the mp3, found out it was I who was off a bit. So take all this for what it's worth and nothing more. I tinkered around a bit with what you had, just to see if I could figure out what it was that was throwing me.

First, I brought the second line of most of the verses up to the first line, just because it made your rhyme scheme more easily discernable to me. The way I read it, you have 3 verses, chorus, verse chorus. I'm making the distinction on the last lines of each. ("on her own, all alone" for the verses, "leaves her blue" for the choruses) But, using that distinction, the second verse breaks the pattern. So, something along the lines of:

"But in her cold and lonely bed
thoughts of love race through her head
and they won't
leave her alone"

?? - maybe?

Honestly, I didn't intend to try to "fix" your lyrics, or re-write anything, only to offer some observations or suggestions that might help you to improve it. It's really quite terrific as is. In fact, I'm working on something quite similar in theme for this week's SSG assignment. As I said, I can totally see this in the style of Etta James, Billie Holliday, or Ella Fitzgerald, but (this will probably sound weird) I can see it even better in the style of Joni Mitchell. It's really wonderful. I hope you'll start posting more of your work here, and over in the SSG. Don't be holdin' out on us!! Here's the way I tried it:

v
She tried to prove to the world
She was a strong minded girl
Making her way
On her own

v
But in her cold And lonely bed
thoughts of love race through her head
And they won't
leave her alone

v
She keeps the key to her heart
Buried deep in the dark
Making her way
All alone

c
She thinks of him From long ago
She wonders if
He'll ever know
And it leaves her blue

v
She once had his love, but
Then she threw it away
One foolish girl
On her own

c
She loves him still She always will
She wonders if
He'll ever know
And it leaves her blue

Anyways, that's how I would try it. But that's just my $0.02 worth. Take it or leave it as you like. And if I totally misread it, let me know. But whether you take it or leave it, keep posting more of your stuff, it's really great. (I knew you were writing.)

I am glad to see that you are no longer hiding in the closet. I just found my way over here after reading the topic in "the other side." I use to participate in SSG but no time lately. I found my way here because I understand where you are coming from. I have posted songs on here that are usually about the world but lately I have been writing much more personal things and if anyone ever even read the lyrics, I think I would die, literally so I give you much kudos. Secondly, I think it is really good. I like Scratch's change to the 2nd verse, I think it flows a little better. Can't wait to see the rest of the song!

Lady sings the blues
She tells her side
Nothing to hide
Now the world will know
What the blues is all about

'Lady Sings the Blues' - Billie Holiday

No, I haven't posted in the wrong forum, although it is Lyrics Association in a way. It is what came to mind when I read your lyrics and your posts on how difficult it has been for you to submit your songs.

I've been mulling over your song and was ready to comment when I saw Scratch's response, and I can see his point too. I'm not sure about the Joni Mitchell style though, but that might be due to my limited knowledge of her work. And, wasn't it Rory Gallagher who is said to have considered the blues to be the most personal form of musical expression?

Whichever way you choose to go, I like what you have written and don't think that you have anything to fear from the critics. Would love to see or, better still, hear the finished version.

Like Scratch said, it's slightly difficult to nail the pattern at first, to me it reads verse/chorus/verse/chorus/verse/chorus ..... looks good to me as a slow blues, though.

Noticed a couple of people mentioned they don't like "baring their souls", so to speak, in their lyrics....well why not? The best songs are usually written by people who have an intimate knowledge of their subject, and what more intimate subject could there be than yourself?

When I write a song, it's about me.....the way I feel/felt/would like to feel...if it strikes a chord (no pun intended!) with other people that's great, it means they've been in/are in the same situation and can empathise.

So write about what you know best......and good luck!!!

Sorry Elecktra, wandered a little off-topic there.....once again, good job!

:D :D :D

Vic.

(By the way, I lied when I said "no pun intended!"

Lady sings the blues
She tells her side
Nothing to hide
Now the world will know
What the blues is all about
'Lady Sings the Blues' - Billie Holiday
No, I haven't posted in the wrong forum, although it is Lyrics Association in a way. It is what came to mind when I read your lyrics and your posts on how difficult it has been for you to submit your songs.
I've been mulling over your song And, wasn't it Rory Gallagher who is said to have considered the blues to be the most personal form of musical expression?
Whichever way you choose to go, I like what you have written and don't think that you have anything to fear from the critics. Would love to see or, better still, hear the finished version.

Thank you very much, Val! I wrote this in a completely Billie Holiday frame of mind one rainy Sunday night. I know it's that fifth line in every other phrase that's throwing people off of my train of thought, which is why I am in the process of getting ready to record. IMHO, the song didn't sound right without that fifth line. I'm hoping that, once people actually hear it, actually hear the phrasing of the first line, hear the different rhythms between the first and second (etc....) verses, that they'll better understand that it actually "completes" the turnaround, then (maybe) they'll understand what it is that I'm trying to do. But, songwriting is subjective and objective and all those other -ives! There really isn't a "chorus" as such. At least not yet and maybe not at all. I've never followed the rules for anything exactly and can tell already that my songwriting probably won't either! :D

And, you're right. The blues is VERY personal, at least to me, and that is my writing preference, which is why it was so very difficult to post that first one........ I sent Scratchmonkey another I did......... I think I'll go ahead and post it here, too.......... also bluesy.

BUT.... I DID post one tonight that was written last night while I was so mad I could barely see straight and I do believe that I want it to be a screaming rocker....... it's called "Sliding Into Insanity" and is only personal in the fact that it's written about a recently former friend.

Once again, thank you for your kind words and I hope to see you around here much more often! :D

Noticed a couple of people mentioned they don't like "baring their souls", so to speak, in their lyrics....well why not? The best songs are usually written by people who have an intimate knowledge of their subject, and what more intimate subject could there be than yourself?
When I write a song, it's about me.....the way I feel/felt/would like to feel...if it strikes a chord (no pun intended!) with other people that's great, it means they've been in/are in the same situation and can empathise.
So write about what you know best......and good luck!!!

Personally, I have a hard time exposing my innermost thoughts to even my closest friends....... but I grew up as such a shy girl who found it SO difficult to talk to anyone that I tried my hardest to blend into the background as much as possible to avoid having to open my mouth and have actual words come out. I finally grew out of that (Thank Goodness!), but am still VERY shy. Even with the anonymity of the internet I feel like I have some good friends here (you were my very first, remember!) and that, in itself, (my friendship with all of these people that I have never actually laid eyes on) makes me not want to make a total @ss of myself in front of all of you. I'm getting over it, though. Check out my next song....... (Temporary Title) - Not Worthy. IMHO, quite personal and not things I necessarily like about myself..........

OH! And be sure to check out "Sliding Into Insanity"............. not about me........... yet! :D

Thanks, Vic! :wink:

Elecktrablue,

I saw your postings here and felt obliged to comment after the disussion in you're "other side" thread. I see this piece working very well in the jazzy blues motif you mentioned. Although I can see Scratchmonkey's point about Joni Mitchell style. How good are you at alternate tunings?

Anyways I just realized you are most likely going to see this post first because I posted it last. I checked out your work and commented on all I found here .

Nice to have you posting .

Celt

Thank you! This is the most difficult song I've tried to write....... mostly because it's the most personal and it makes me cry when I start writing or re-writing it! It may take a while for it to be finished............ hope it will be worth the wait! Thanks again!

Wow....i like this peice a lot....could put it in many styles and it could easily work in all of them....n thats very hard to do......Its a really good song and flows very well.......Well done!!!

+

I like the structure as is ... alternating extra lines, no chorus and all. The way I hear it the pattern compliments the imagery, especially a la Billie Holiday. It seems to fit the picture of the young woman.

I'd like to hear this one.

I like the structure as is ... alternating extra lines, no chorus and all. The way I hear it the pattern compliments the imagery, especially a la Billie Holiday. It seems to fit the picture of the young woman.

I'd like to hear this one.

Thank you! I had Billie Holiday in mind when I first started singing this song. It was my attempt at "emulating" her style that caused me to fit in that "And it leaves her blue" line. I guess, in it's own strange sort of way, that one line in itself could be the chorus!... But it's the way that I hear the music around the vocals that, IMHO, brings that one line right out front and center.

I'm trying my darnedest to get these recorded and up on "Hear Here" so that you can all hear what it is that I'm hearing in my head. (OH NO............ the voices are back! LOL! :D )

OH OH OH OH OH OH OH

I may totally regret this........... but............. I did a little .wav file.......... it's my voice only.........no instrumentation (yet)........... just to give y'all an idea where I'm attempting to go with this one.............. let me know what you think. Please!

The URL is http://www.elecktrablue.com/16.WAV and it IS a rather large file even though it's only the first verse and chorus........... sorry! :wink:

PS........ if you listen carefully you can hear one of my cats singing along in the background.......... don't know if that's a good thing or not! :D