This is a poem i wrote on the spot, i just had a sudden burst of inspiration. Please forgive the unbalanced rythm, alterations are required. thanks for reading.
UNTITLED
verse
People wonder there and back again
Looking for god knows what,
And rivers and roads wont take them
to where they want to go.
bridge
And oh baby my muscles ache with love in my veins,
As horses shackled by their reigns break away in to the night.
chorus
But the night will never partner with the day,
And fire and water will never listen or agree,
neither will the sun and moon align,
At least, not while you are never mine.
verse
When nerves are shattered, and happiness is sacrificed.
And hearts are broken and promises unmade.
Nobody can bare to look up into the light,
Or even tell themselves that all they need to do is try.
bridge
And Oh baby my muscles ache with the love in my veins,
As horses shackled by their reigns break away into the night.
chorus
But the night will never partner with the day,
And fire and water will never listen or agree
neither will the sun and moon align,
At least not while you are never mine
outro
And this pain is not familiar,
Are you really this much?
a falling light is broken,
by you in a mirror.
It blinds my mortal eyes
my heart is paralised.
WHat is it so pure,
for to long i have not been sure.
" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."
the rhythm is actually pretty smooth already, albeit a few goofs, and I like your structure, what you call a bridge, is a very fun and creative way to put variety into your song, but I'd call it chorus 2, speaking of, your chorus rocks, it's got allt he makings of something great
I've said this in a few posts, but it's a great trick, speak out each line, one at a time, mostly the verses, and just keep speaking them outloud in different syntax till you get one that flows more smoothly
the outro is kinda weak, it lands a little south of sad, a little off the mark of melancholy, it doesn't have a real emotion screaming from it, and so the poem ends in emotional limbo, and so does the listener, this is actually a great technique, but it doesn't fit the song
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
Hey thanks snoogans. Thanks for pointing out that smart little trick seems to be working well with changing a few of the lines around.
Yeah i kinda realised that the outro is a bit poor, i was just getting a bit carried away i think. haha.
THanks for the opinion and the advice, much appreciated
:D :) 8) :) :D
" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."
I have to agree with snoogans for the most part.Your bridge sounds more like a prechorus. And the outroo kinda thru me for a loop. Your chorus is great. In the 2nd verse the last 2 lines kinda confused me. but that could just be me. Overall not a bad write. with alittle work I'm sure it'll work out fine. Keep writing. Nite...............
lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores
