"Our Last Goodbye" plz crit

i didnt really like the first two verses...they were too vague and quite plain but i like your chorus and the verses after that are better :)

What would you suggest doing to the first two verses?

hmm im not sure its not that i dislike it totally its just the first couple of lines throw you a bit..

The cold steel against my skin,
The sharp pain that burns inside,

i dont get the 'steel' part...maybe if you explained that a little more it would help?

i thnik the cold steel is probably a knife... the song to me seems to be about someone contemplating suicide after their loved one was killed...

yeah it was a knife.Not really about a loved one dying but close enough.

what are you trying to make the reader feel?

i think this comes across as a cry for help. if that was the purpose.. good job. if you were trying to sound like the character is finally at peace with ending his life.. you failed. you have emotions that contradict each other.. and sure you can't always put reason to emotion.. but it doesn't sound like the subject has thought this out as much as his final choice lets on. which is why it sounds like a cry for help. and i'm not saying you the author wrote this as a cry for help. i'm speaking only of the character that this discribes.. and if that's you, maybe you shouldn't write poetry like this and ask for poetic advice. but since you did ask for a critic.. i will treat this as a regular poem regardless of subject matter.

but the only thing i could really say is don't be so literal. or don't cover the same territory twice. once the audience knows something, they shouldn't need reminding unless you are purposefully trying to emphasis a thought.

and not to soound like a jerk.. but i thought the cold steel line wasn't effective because it was overly obvious while seeming to be obscure. i'd think less explanation would be needed rather than more.

just my opinions. good luck!

where did i contradict myself?

"You actually think this will last?
How can I even trust you?"

If the song is suppose to be a last attempt of both saying goodbye and a blessing for the future.. it doesn't make since to offer up a distrust of the person you're telling this to.

Though you never specifically say WHY the person is ending their life, it gives a good impression it has something to do with the relationship between the speaker and muse. The idea of a final goodbye... in trying to imagine why one would even have a final goodbye. i think a final goodbye is cruel and meant to serve the ego of the one leaving life. if you're going to kill yourself.. why do you care? that person has to live with the memory of you. since you're dying it isn't for your memory. it's so that you are remembered. which is self serving. that's why people write letters (to explain their reasons)... but "hold me in your arms" ??? the physical expression of desire only to willingly leave them forever and in DEATH.. it truely is cruel.

i personaly don't think suicide on the whole is self centered though most people would say opposite. it's a complicated subject matter, but i think the idea of saying goodbye.. i think it's over board. a person that truely loves somebody and is ending their life would probably leave the person alone to either forget, or to dislike them so they don't care as much. but really.. you're re-igniting the flame only to blow it out just as quick.

sorry to write so much.. but that's why i think this is a cry for help. and the words aren't as honest and thought out.

i either must be stupid cause i didnt fllow a word you said or we just must not be seeing the backround of the song the same.It was about me and my problems in life and saying goodbye to the women i love.And telling her to move on with her life after im gone but to always remember how much i loved her.and to make this last night be the best.The part about "how can i even trust you?" do you actually think we will make it through all of this and someday get married or something. But then i was saying how can i trust you on how you feel and if you will try hard to make it through this.I dont think of it as a cry for help.Thanks for your opinions.