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Pessimest

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 spug
(@spug)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

I'm just starting out writing songs. This song is my first "good one." Tell me what you think. I would appreciate it.

Pessimist

Trying to find my way through cause I'm blinded by the smoke that gets in my face, covering my life's disgrace.
Wrath of pain, not justified, the only thing I can say is I always tried.
Crying each day a way. Into a layer of sorrow. Black as the day the earth was born, everything seems to fade away as long as I have the sorrow.

RF. Cause I'm fighting it
Cause I don't wanna die
Cause I don't wanna be
It's not like I have a choice
To be this catastrophe
Hiding all my pain
in this covenant
This shadow of sorrow.

The pain gets to me more each day.
My friends are fading into my enemies.
Hurtful words that never go away, staying in my brain growing inside like a tumor that feeds on hate.
My senses they fail me telling me I'm ok. I'm feeling so broken, so faded away.
Chorus

And in my mind
in it I do confide
all this pain and agony I hide inside.
Since I was born I've wanted to die,

I can't decipher my visions
Depression, obsession, angst, and spar
Fate never ending but always going to far
Chorus

This is my cry for help

Got Metal?


   
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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
 

hmmm im not sure i think it could be good its just a bit all over the place


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

hmmm im not sure i think it could be good its just a bit all over the place

I agree the flow and story line just don't work for me sorry

maybe if you broke your lines up a bit they might work better?
such as :
Trying to find my way through
cause I'm blinded by the smoke
that gets in my face,
covering my life's disgrace.
Wrath of pain,
not justified,
the only thing I can say is I always tried.
Crying each day a way.
Into a layer of sorrow.
Black as the day the earth was born,
everything seems to fade
away as long as I have the sorrow.

just an idea

thats my 5 cents worth

cheers

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
 

Hey Jesse. Its Andy.

I agree w/ them, as I've already told you. We still have to compose our songs one night. My place or yours, I don't care. We should also take BNA's advise and try to put it into a certain order. You know, try to put it in a story or something.

Oh, and I'm just kiding. You're not my friend. :D

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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