Hi there, Greetings fellow muso's...
I am fairly new to writing songs, this is something i put together a few days ago from a scrapbook of ideas i have collected. Does this song have any potential to be good? how can I improve or develop it? I know there are some cliches-(especially in verse 2) that i am planning to re-write. As i said i'm not really a songwriter, but any constructive feedback would be appreciated...tell me what you think!
Possible titles for song:
'Seasons Apart' or 'Marks in the Sand'
(Verse 1)
Empires rise and fall
Seasons come and go
With the turning of the tides.
Pleasure and pain
Sweet memories and heartache
Nothing remains unchanged.
(Climb 1)
I longed to be loved,
Yearned to be touched,
But I found more than I was looking for.
As we embraced I wished for the moment to last,
But seasons are changing……
(Chorus)
As long as your words are real,
And your promises sincere,
It doesn't matter where we go from here,
And if we go our separate ways, then that's o.k
No matter where you are,
The truth lives in my heart,
In my memory we'll never be apart.
(Verse 2)
Blown away by winds of change
You swept me off my feet
Like the churning of the tides.
Laughter and tears
Hopes and fears
Have left their mark in the sand
(Climb 2)
I long for your love
Yearn for your touch
I found much more than I was looking for.
As we embraced I wished for the moment to last,
But seasons are changing I know things can't last.
(Chorus)
As long as your words are real,
And your promises sincere,
It doesn't matter where we go from here,
And if we go our separate ways, then that's o.k
No matter where you are,
The truth lives in my heart,
In my memory we'll never be apart.
Thanks for reading this, as i said, any constructive feedback is welcome.
Fretburn.
A POINT! but a repetitive point, it was very nice reading this, though as a poem/song, it has very little momentum, it's like a broken wind-up toy that just bobbles and twitches on the carpet. but I love it, it has a balanced melancholy edge along with really heavy moments of loveliness. I'm talking about the climbs, they are very nice, and they are really the savory meat of this, but I think the verse should be the chorus,and you should write another chorus-styled phrase to make a new verse, with quasi-erotic and passionate juicy bits. Unless you don;t want to mention anymore of it
but ig you really want to get a rise from this song, there should be an intense and tastefully descriptive...well, description of "As we embraced I wished for the moment to last", and let me say why I think this.
I have found complete explanations and metaphors of my entire relationship by just describing my favorite kiss, and in this case, an embrace. Unless this is fiction, then you'll have to be very creative.
wonderful poem, it needs to be pumped up with some of the wonderful sensual beef we never talk about, since you seemed so hesitant in using cliche's what could be better than implementing a taboo!
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
Hey, Fretburn.
Snoogans has some good points; the chorus could use some beefing up. I will remind you of what I always have to be reminded: show, don't tell. Instead of telling us that you're longing for the embrace, tell us more about the embrace so we can long for it too.
Cliche in verse 2? Yeah, a bit in the first two lines, but the rest is very solid.
As an aside, during the time in which "empires rise and fall", water can do more than leave marks on sand... it can leave marks on solid rock, scoure landscapes, drop mountains, and make sand. I think if you're using the course of history as imagery (as in the first verse), then the water imagery should be equally grand. (And I'm not just saying that because my last submission to the SSG involved lines in the sand :) .)
Have you any music for it yet?
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Thanks for your helpful comments regarding my song, i will take these ideas into account when i get some time and inspiraton to re-draft...
have a good one!!
fretburn :)
