Absent Words In My Head -
You said this would all go away
The dreams and pictures of graves
The fires in the west, and the absence of words floating inside my head
But even with all your promises
They always seem to stay
You said this would all go away
The hopelessness and the insecurities
The hidden notebook entries and nose stinging activities
But even with all your promises
They always seem to stay
You told me in a soft spoken tone
That you don't want to be this anymore
I swear that I hear you
But I can't believe it
It's a piece of dust in a desert storm
And no one feels it
You said this would all go away
The empty times and frequent ball of screams
My worrying and those reasons for it
But even with all your promises
They always seem to stay
You said this would all go away
The fictional stories and those late night bathroom breaks
The tissues and stupid dieting experiments
But even with all your promises
They always seem to stay
Unlike what you say
Those lies come anyway
Forgetting that you said
You'd change
But I guess this time is another repeat
How can you expect me to believe?
That I'm all you need
When all your lies sleep underneath
Well, make up your mind
What are you?
What are you not?
Can I get some kind of criticism.
it's a big poem, I think poeple were a little wary, but I haven't been in here in a good few months, so howdy!
I'm glad to see the meaning and inspiration spring out of this as it comes out, it's a very strong evolving movement, but there is so much mass here, that instead of evolving like a tubeworm to a whale, it was more like you just changed into different types of boring animals, without achieving any magnificence, which would have been brought about if you had taken this feeling, which is very well described, and had left a plce for it to fit into the more massive scheme of the world. It is very personal, and that makes it hard to grasp onto form another perspective.
along the stagnant path, your images and emotional strikes have a serious personality disorder. All your big moments like "fire from the west"(which I remembered :D ), and the stuff about sand, are extremely disconnected form eachother, they need to be bonded, in simpler terms, this needs a form of a theme, and it would be 1000x more emotional.
besides those things, I did enjoy this, for the moments in themselves.
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
Hey PoeSmi,
This is good stuff. I like the repetition of the "promises" lines; it really re-inforces the feeling of defeat the singer is feeling from one promise being broken after another.
In addition to what Snoogans said, I think the bursts of imagery seem a bit out of place. It's like you're switching from prose to poetry... both are good, but I'd want to either pick one or the other, OR structure it around the switching.
As a final note, I think you've captured your feelings nicely, but if you really are dealing with someone suffering from anorexia or bulimia, they are very real psychological problems that require serious intervention. If you're letting this person get away with only making promises then you need to get tougher or seek help yourself. (Again, not a criticism of the song, just some friendly advice.)
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Anorexia or bulimia ... interesting. My initial thought was coke or meth addiction. "nose stinging activities/late night bathroom breaks". Regardless, you do drive the point of the piece home. Someone is afflicted with something they can't quite control but does there best to dissuade a friend's constant prying/and/or worrying. <--- like that! That's a new punctuation technique .. it's taught in all the colleges now. Heh .. moving on ..
But of course these are lies, well maybe not lies ... but "absent words". This person can't change and the friend feels powerless. Though I didn't get a lot of emotion of out of this. Maybe elaborate a little more on what is going on in the bathroom or what this the person (from the song's perspective) is witnessing. Anyways .. I'm tired and blabbering now.
Also, I think just simply "Absent Words" would be a good song title. Less is more. Less is more. Also your last line ... "What are you". I thought about that a while. Very good. It sort of implies that this person is no longer "human" ... or just a shadow of that. What have they become? That's what I want to know!!! :) Poetic ... as always... your stuff is fun to read.
