She Doesn't Notice
Verse 1
There was this girl that I really liked,
wrote this song and sung it into a mike.
She had dark sleek hair and bright blue eyes,
She even ignored me when I yelled out "Hi".
Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.
Verse 2
I knew right away that I needed help,
For it went so crazy I started to eat kelp.
There seemed no help, for I knew not what to do,
But assistance came fast from my best friends 1 and 2.
Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.
Verse 3
With my training complete, I approached her, though tense,
As I got closer and closer, my clothes seemed too dense.
I finally approached her and asked herout on a date,
But she just blew me off and kept talking to her mate.
Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.
Verse 4
I just stood there slack-jawed as time sped by,
I'd just been rejected and I thought I was to die.
Her friend approached me with an apology in store,
She said she liked me a lot and wanted to know me more.
Chorus 2
I watched her closely,
But she didn't notice.
I adored her always,
But she didn't notice.
To hell with what she thinks,
I found true love.
This is my first song, so try not to be too harsh. Any feedback is always accepted though. Thanx for taking the time to read this.
hey nice story song!
I really find great the verse 1 and 2
To me, verses 3 and 4 seems too obvious, try to tell the same without saying the history, but what you felt about it
for example...
Verse 3
though I was so tense that I could hardly blink
my clothes seemed too dense and impede me to breathe
I finally approached her and asked her for a date,
But she just blew me off and kept turned to her mate.
it is just a rough version of your 3rd verse made it just in 5 minutes, but you know what I mean...
I like the chorus... but you can make it flow better
Chorus 1
I watch her cloely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.
Whatch the cursives
just my five cents... hope you find it useful
i wasnt feeling the flow of this man but it could be good with some rearrangement.
thanx for the feed back and ya I did think something was missing from teh song & that it didnt sound quite right. That's why I posted it on here.