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She Doesn't Notice

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(@bonzai_man)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 30
Topic starter  

She Doesn't Notice

Verse 1
There was this girl that I really liked,
wrote this song and sung it into a mike.
She had dark sleek hair and bright blue eyes,
She even ignored me when I yelled out "Hi".

Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.

Verse 2
I knew right away that I needed help,
For it went so crazy I started to eat kelp.
There seemed no help, for I knew not what to do,
But assistance came fast from my best friends 1 and 2.

Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.

Verse 3
With my training complete, I approached her, though tense,
As I got closer and closer, my clothes seemed too dense.
I finally approached her and asked herout on a date,
But she just blew me off and kept talking to her mate.

Chorus 1
I watch her closely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.

Verse 4
I just stood there slack-jawed as time sped by,
I'd just been rejected and I thought I was to die.
Her friend approached me with an apology in store,
She said she liked me a lot and wanted to know me more.

Chorus 2
I watched her closely,
But she didn't notice.
I adored her always,
But she didn't notice.
To hell with what she thinks,
I found true love.

This is my first song, so try not to be too harsh. Any feedback is always accepted though. Thanx for taking the time to read this.


   
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(@noel-iu)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 96
 

hey nice story song!
I really find great the verse 1 and 2
To me, verses 3 and 4 seems too obvious, try to tell the same without saying the history, but what you felt about it
for example...

Verse 3
though I was so tense that I could hardly blink
my clothes seemed too dense and impede me to breathe
I finally approached her and asked her for a date,
But she just blew me off and kept turned to her mate.

it is just a rough version of your 3rd verse made it just in 5 minutes, but you know what I mean...

I like the chorus... but you can make it flow better
Chorus 1
I watch her cloely,
But she doesn't notice.
I adore her always,
But she doesn't notice.
Despite her reaction,
I wont give up.

Whatch the cursives

just my five cents... hope you find it useful

http://www.freewebs.com/noel-iu

http://noel-iu.dmusic.com/


   
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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
 

i wasnt feeling the flow of this man but it could be good with some rearrangement.


   
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(@bonzai_man)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 30
Topic starter  

thanx for the feed back and ya I did think something was missing from teh song & that it didnt sound quite right. That's why I posted it on here.


   
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