I have some verses(they don't necessarily go together), and i was just wondering if any of them fit together, or if they were any good.....basically just need some feedback.
Looking for a song I heard one time
I know you won't come and save me
Just to fill my sad and crowded mind
It all got so complicated
It doesn't matter if it's slow or sad
All the music chills me to the bone
I'll still think of you and that's as bad
There's no home to come to, still come home
If I could call you
You'd play me a song
But it's not mine
And you won't sing along
I finally know the feeling
Of being undeserving
Taking for granted
And waiting in line
Dreams of death and sadness
Loud music, flashing lights
Blood and screaming, sunshine, madness
All I wanted was to fight
I wish there was a burn that I could feel
To make this seem
A lot less real
All the songs make me sad
Cause I'm thinking of you
It wouldn't be bad
If you loved me
And all those girls
Well I understand now
They had to stay sane
And they didn't care how
I dream that you watch through my window
While I sleep, but I still toss and turn
And I dream that you care, but you don't know
In reality you'll never learn
I'm torn with wanting things
Wanting you to be with me
And not staying sad
To be happy
What can I say?
Words are not profound
What can I do?
It all seems so hopeless now
Who can I be?
As beautiful as you
Will you come back?
To pick me up off the ground
I want you to tell me
Not to die
Feel the hole that I can't breathe to fill
Do not disturb the sleeping dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
You might want to try and make it flow or have a rhythm. Look over it and decide what you might like to take out and what works and doesn't work for you. You got a good start for your song.
This could be a chorus if wanted it to, just an idea.
"I wish there was a burn that I could feel
To make this seem
A lot less real"
Verses like these work well to.
"Looking for a song I heard one time
I know you won't come and save me
Just to fill my sad and crowded mind
It all got so complicated
It doesn't matter if it's slow or sad
All the music chills me to the bone
I'll still think of you and that's as bad
There's no home to come to, still come home
Dreams of death and sadness
Loud music, flashing lights
Blood and screaming, sunshine, madness
All I wanted was to fight"
......
"If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell me to practise that bloody guitar!" -Vic Lewis
Everything is 42..... again.
Its got some good ideas and feelings but it doesn't have a pattern to the rhyme scheme (at least for some parts) which makes it harder to set to music. I would suggest you figure out a music part to fit the feel of the song first, and then take these ideas and make them into different parts. Some parts might already be perfect and some parts might not work at all, but its all your ideas so theres no shame in re-expressing everything to fit your song. Anyways good luck.
"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile
