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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

well....one of my feeble attempts at song writting. Thoughts? Suggestions?

V1:
woke up late and now im payin
cuz the best shows are on at 9 a.m.
I didn't say much at the breakfast table
my mouth was too full makin up for lunch

V2:
now im still a little tierd but not so hungry
Ive been walkin around town way to long
and I cant find my favorite jeans
or a minute to myself

CHORUS:
and you say hey (hey) why don't we go somewhere to be alone
I got no where to be but I can't bare to see you again
nothins for sure but the fact that I aint sure of myself
and now im stuck here all alone

fill

V3
Friends of the family come down around 4
but no one remembers inviting them
the conversation aint to much
but enough for them to think that they should stay

CHORUS

fill

V4
the colored lights reflect off my window
as the doors to this house all seem to squeek at once
and Im still waitin for thoes drugs to kick in
somehow I doubt Id notice if they did

CHORUS

instrumental bridge

CHORUS/outro

-Sally :)


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
 

Sally, I liked the verses quite a lot. They were kind of very laidback, easygoing and yet charming but the chorus disappointed me. I honestly think you should work on the chorus a lot to make this one a winner. Write a very effective chorus which compliments the daily drag you portray in your verses and reflect the loneliness/emptiness in your (i.e. the song's protagonist's) life with an impact. If you need further assistance, I'd be more than glad to help. Good verses... :D

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

alterego,
thanks for the feedback

asked for the chorus i'll think about it and see if I can come up with something better. But, in the meantime if you have any ideas on how to improve it then that would be great and I would appriciate it emensly :D

Sally


   
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