THEY SAY SHES A LADY (REWRITE)

Hi Mystic,

I think youve got the bones of a good song here. What I felt was missing though was an insight into why "the lady" has no soul. It feels to me to be a bit detached. I also had trouble trying to put a structure around it. Maybe a clearly defined chorus and a hook thats emphisised, something like; "She aint got no soul She aint got no soul". Then build the song around that point. Stick with it though cos you can do something really good with what youve got here.

Paul

Paul

thanks for your input you have a good point and i will look at that and see if i can come up with a way to some how explain why she has no soul
(i know why she has no soul i hope i can put it into words) some how it always seems that i get stuck and cant finish most my songs thanks again for your input

:wink: mystic

Hi mystic,
just reading between the lines here I would guess that she does have a soul but just doesnt know it. It looks like she is afraid of her real self, especially her "present moment" self.
she holds onto the past,to scared to unfold
maybe you could expand on that line of thinking.

Paul

HI

Not to sound too negative with your work here , but Iam struggling with the different length of lines ..

Now I am no writer myself but I am forever being told "if you keep the lines uniform then flow of the song is much better " ...

Now if you keep this going through out the song like this

I know a lady a lonley lady
always livin in the past
shadows filed away
neatly on the shelf
----

I think you could have a really excellent piece

I'm looking at the beginning of each line do you really need some of those words such as " and " She " ???

I'll revisit this when I get home tonight , sitting down haveing a beer is when I do my best thinking , currently in a forum and I am suppose to be listening to the worlds most boreing public speaker ..this has been going on all day ....

Sorry

Trevor

To me at least, 'The Lady' lives in the past because of a failed relationship with the narrator - the "I" who 'knows a lonely lady' and knows what words were 'left unsaid.' And because of this failed relationship, the Lady has basically stopped growing as a person; stopped 'unfolding.'

But unless the narrator is willing to express his/her side of the problem more, as in taking more responsibility for leaving things unsaid - or in the song to at least explain a little more (which could be a good fleshing out of the song), it might be an interesting experiment to leave the first-person narrator charater completely out of the song and make it third-person; i.e. instead of "I know a lonely lady" it would be "There was a lonely lady."

For "and it echos through my head all the words that went unsaid" it could be something like "And it echoes through all time, the unspoken, simple line - I love you."

That way, since the first-person character is pretty much already absent in the story, make it all third-person to even it up.

Just some thoughts.

thanks for your comments it helps a great deal ,no need for aploagies Trevor all critquies are good,for with out them its hard to improve. I will sit with this one and see what i can do with the help of your comments once again thanks

:wink: mystic