hey, long time no talk i know... my bad... I've had a really long case of that thing you call writers block. This new one, isn't finished - because like i said, really bad writers block. but its about a couple, and their relationship was definatley not working both ways. She would give all she had to love him and keep him, and he wasnt really there for her. So when they broke up, it may have broken her heart, but she realizes she's better off without him -- thus the title "Torn lucky"..I hope to have my mic back and get some of my work actually recorded *crosses fingies* but for now this is all I have. I do plan on adding some imagery in here to, (just for all of you imagery buffs :P) and hopefully get more story across... Umm, lol but as of right now, i need some help. say whatever u want, good and bad - I will accept them all. Thanks everyone :)
Torn Lucky
You said,
I wasn't good enough.
I say,
You were jealous of,
My dreams,
the dreams I hold so dear.
My hopes,
the hopes you'll never hear
I thought I loved you,
Thought you loved me
thought that we could be.
But when you left me,
oh you tore me and now I see...
Maybe -baby, I was torn lucky
I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.
I really like what you have so far. GREAT job!
If you are looking for help, I'll help in anyway I can just let me know.
It seems you need a couple of solid choures. What genre is this? At the end, I can see "Maybe -baby, I was torn lucky" maybe as the start of the choures or the lead into part. It's very catchy.
Mike
Hiya,
I like the you said/ I say ideas in the opening lines, so more like that to develop the story. I'd lose the my dreams/ the hopes lines and make the
the dreams I hold so dear.
the hopes you'll never hear
lines a lot stronger in their delivery. That'll give you a verse with six lines. I reckon you'll need another verse or two to set the scene
I'd lost the "but when you left me" line, and make the five remaining lines in the second block the chorus - leave the actual act of them leaving each other to the verses without actually saying it
Best,
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
