Unobtainable Touch

Dark and disturbing song you wrote there OWA.

I like how you get anger across in your song too. Very strong emotion.

"Feel!
Bear!
Hear!"

could be like a chant if you wanted it to be.

Just a couple of little things you might disagree with

Mom wants to end his and my pain with a knife ( what about our pain )

I hear him, as I walk the road alone ( as I walk alone )

just a thought One Wing

HiLcH :?:

I agree that it seems kinda wordy at times but its really hard to judge without knowing the tune and that kind of thing usually works itself out when you try and sing it.
I feel him, crawling through my head
I feel him, crawling with the dead
I bear him, as a token of blame
I bear him, as a symbal of shame
I hear him, rattling me to the bone
I hear him, as I walk the road alone
"symbol" is a bit of an awkward word here, I think "mark" would fit really well and is a darker image (going with your song)
Or "brand of shame" thats even darker haha

I also couldn't help but want to put "cross" as the thing to bear. That will dredge up a lot of imagry on its own without you having to say anything more. Dunno if that peaks your fancy but I like throwing biblical allusions into my songs sometimes.

I hear him rattle me to the bone (the ing ending and then moving to past tense is a little weird in the original)
I hear him as I walk alone (as hilch suggested this is easier to swallow)

I like it, you better be screaming that part at the end haha

Wow...good work OWA!

Interesting.... is it about that girl from the X-Men movie who kills people she kisses?

The general feeling I got when reading this is that it was lacking a third verse. For anyone following the story, it ends at "deadly kiss", halfway through the song, and everything from there on is basically repetition. You need a fresh narrative element further on in the song. And those choruses? You might get sick of sing 18 lines' worth of it. Perhaps you could change the words as it goes on. For example
I feel him, eating all my bread
I feel him, using a paint that does not contain lead
I bear him, dressing up as a dame
I bear him, writing lyrics that are lame
I hear him, steal a traffic cone
I hear him, releasing farts I can't condone

Interesting.... is it about that girl from the X-Men movie who kills people she kisses?

The general feeling I got when reading this is that it was lacking a third verse. For anyone following the story, it ends at "deadly kiss", halfway through the song, and everything from there on is basically repetition. You need a fresh narrative element further on in the song. And those choruses? You might get sick of sing 18 lines' worth of it. Perhaps you could change the words as it goes on. For example
I feel him, eating all my bread
I feel him, using a paint that does not contain lead
I bear him, dressing up as a dame
I bear him, writing lyrics that are lame
I hear him, steal a traffic cone
I hear him, releasing farts I can't condone

I put all this work into writing something and it gets taken as a joke. Really hurts my feelings. I'm done posting songs on here. There are plently of people and places I can ask who won't take cheap shots at me.

Interesting.... is it about that girl from the X-Men movie who kills people she kisses?

The general feeling I got when reading this is that it was lacking a third verse. For anyone following the story, it ends at "deadly kiss", halfway through the song, and everything from there on is basically repetition. You need a fresh narrative element further on in the song. And those choruses? You might get sick of sing 18 lines' worth of it. Perhaps you could change the words as it goes on. For example
I feel him, eating all my bread
I feel him, using a paint that does not contain lead
I bear him, dressing up as a dame
I bear him, writing lyrics that are lame
I hear him, steal a traffic cone
I hear him, releasing farts I can't condone

I wouldn't agree....I think the song is great how it is. The structure of a song should be exactly how the artist wants it to be. I've written songs that use repition too... so don't get what you're saying here... :shock: :shock: :shock:

Although I think Martin's tactics are somewhat inappropriate I actually agree with some of the points he makes.

No matter which way I read this song, it's Rogue's back-story. If that's what you were going for then you did a good job, if not then there's no avoiding the correlation.
As a young teenaged Rogue kisses a boy, and accidentally puts him into a coma.
Her abusive drunk father tries to kill her for being a "freak."
Part of Rogue's power is that when she touches someone's skin part of that person gets stuck inside her head for a certain amount of time. (Unless she kill's the person, then they're trapped inside of her forever.) - This is obviously the chorus.

I'm not a big comic book fan, but the back stories of the x-men characters are brilliant, so I know most of them, and I wouldn't blame anyone for using them as inspiration, but if you don't cite them as reference then people will think your stealing someone else's ideas.

As far as the song goes, I think it's good. Although some variation in the chorus might spice things up a bit, it's probably not necessary. I'd like to hear this when you record it.

Keep it up.

Here's the story behind this song. Me and my friend were bored and couldn't think of anything to write about. So we thought, hey, let's do what the SSG does. We both pic a common theme and write about it. For some, reason, X-men came up. So I wrote about Rogue, mostly because I was the first to call it.

So it was intentional, and would've been a good idea to ask me that before lashing out at me like a total jerk.

Thank you for your comments, with one notable exception.

Well I like it.....in fact I think it's brilliant.....but what you've got to ask yourself, can I stnad listening to it over and over again while I record it? That's the true acid test.......

Gets a :D :D :D :D :D from me......

Vic

To explain my comments, I make a point of never suggesting specific lyrics to another writer; that's why I wrote joke lyrics: to demonstrate what I meant without interfering with your creativity.

If you feel offended by that..... meh.

To explain my comments, I make a point of never suggesting specific lyrics to another writer; that's why I wrote joke lyrics: to demonstrate what I meant without interfering with your creativity.

If you feel offended by that..... meh.

whatever... :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: