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Untitled Song

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(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
Topic starter  

Hey, this song is in the first draft stage. I'd like suggestions on how i could fix it to make it better, i know it could use something... i just don't know what.

Untitled

He stares down the hallway,
In a dark and lonesome home,
He thinks about all the things he's done,
And where he's gonna go,
He stares down, at the ground,
The .44 staring back, (.44 staring back)
He cries in shame for all the pain,
He had to put them through,
He is traumatized, and hypnotized,
He can't make a move...

And another day is gone,
And he is moving on,
But the blood-stained dress,
He left behind,
Whether he wants it or not,
Is on his mind,
And guilt and shame,
Lie on his shoulders,
All the pain,
He can't move forward...

He caused a million heartbreaks,
And now he's on the run,
His one impaired time of thought,
As he pulled the trigger on the gun,
And now he messed with fate itself,
He knows it won't go over well,
With the world outside,
He tries to hide... oh...

And another day is gone,
And he is moving on,
But the blood-stained dress,
He left behind,
Whether he wants it or not,
Is on his mind,
And guilt and shame,
Lie on his shoulders,
All the pain,
He can't move forward...

The pain inside,
He caused to them,
He used to be,
A kindly man,
But hate and fury,
Captured him,
And now he's done,
He's surrendering...

And another day is gone,
And he is moving on,
But the blood-stained dress,
He left behind,
Whether he wants it or not,
Is on his mind,
And guilt and shame,
Lie on his shoulders,
All the pain,
He can't move forward...


   
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(@cabreraluvr7)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 98
 

wow! do u mind me asking what inspired u to write this? I like it.


   
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(@country-t)
Active Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
 

I think its very good, if you want you could change "surrendering" to surrendered, thats all, what vibe is the music?


   
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(@rejectedagain)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 175
Topic starter  

hey, what inspired me to write this song was I was listening to a song called Father's Son by 3 Doors Down and its sorta in a roundabout way about something like that so i just started writing and thats what came of it.


   
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(@cabreraluvr7)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 98
 

cool!


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

hey rejected, i've seen your other songs on the boards and your a really good writer, I prolly have said it before, but i thought i would say it again.. the only thing with this song is simply that in your chorus at the beginning you say

and another day has gone
and he is moving on

{or somethin very similar to that} but than at the end the lyrics are
He can't move forward

so, i dont know how you could do this, but if he were only tryin to move on... like 'and another day has gone, yet again he's trying to move on ... well maybe not that but somethin that implies he's tryin rather than he already has...tho i realize this may seem irrelavent or just a waste of time thought, but i figured i should see what you thought, and im only hopein right now that i made sense with that whole explanation - if it doesn't than could everyone do me a favour and pretend like this post never happened, lol thanks :D... anyway, hope all goes well for you.lots of luck

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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