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untitled song, haven't been here in a while,plz critique

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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

Why are you avoiding me,
Is it something I said,
Well you can't blame me for lovin you,
Cuz I fell on my head again,
And you can't say I didn't try,
To just be your friend

Don't blame me for lovin you,
Cuz I don't anymore,
I kept tryin to be nice to you,
Got kicked out your door again,
What is it your tryin to avoid,
Think you fell, broke your head again

Don't hate me for lovin you,
It's nice until it ends,
And I'm not sorry if I pissed you off,
Just tryin to be friends, but,
I'm sick of you always pushin me out your door,
Cuz I'm not your boomerang,
I'm not flyin back anymore

Bridge (Viola, drums, guitar, unwritten)

Why are you avoiding me,
Is it something I said,
Well you can't blame me for lovin you,
Cuz I fell on my head,
Cuz I fell on my head,
Cuz I fell on my head,
Again

:shock:

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@bleaseyhighflyer)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 41
 

I quite like it, it seems to be in your style and about you which is a good way to write.

I liked some of your poetry e.g. "Cuz I'm not your boomerang,
I'm not flyin back anymore". And there are some other good phrases which seem to fit the topic.

Seems to have good rythm as well which is useful for the reader

Keep it up!

" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

thankies (I know it's cutesy to say that but I don't care right now) :oops: :roll: :shock: (I love the shock face:)

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

hello....is anybody home....is anybody posting.....PLEASE REPLY, I'M BOOOORRREEEDDDEDEDEDEEDDDEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!Aggggghhhhhhhhh! (not to be pushy) :wink: :x :twisted: :shock: 8)

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
 

I liked this a lot ... the flow of it is great except for

"What is it your tryin to avoid,
Think you fell, broke your head again "

it seems the second line of that should entail what they are "tryin to avoid"

this is just and example to understand what I mean:
What is it your tryin to avoid,
fallin and breaking your head again?

just a sugegstion....other than that I think it is great! looking forward to reading somemore of your stuff!


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

thanx i didn't think of that, that's cool :P :shock: (i love the shocky face) tehehehe

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

I have just posted at least fourteen replies to other people's stuff, somebody plz reply before I go mad, nutters, insane, ballistic, need I ellaborate more??? :shock: :arrow: phew, anyways plz post critiques

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@kc13088)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 50
 

I like the imagery and wording, but I'm not exactly sure of the overall meaning of the song. It's obviously a song about breaking up, but I can't tell who broke up with whom. When you say you won't go back, it seems like she broke up with you but now she wants you back. But other sections hint that you gave her the "lets just be friends" routine. I'm kinda confused. Great song though.

-Casey


   
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(@xlosexyoux)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 12
 

i really like this piece. it seems that everyone can recall a time like the one mentioned in the piece. the lines are very poetic especially the boomerang phrase [which i know was mentioned already]. also reading through it i could put little bits of music to it .. the way that it was written which was fun. lol. also as i read through it, i could think of possible titles considering this is, as of now, untitled. i just had small ideas; don't blame/hate me, avoiding, nice until it ends. just small pieces of the lyrics. but i did like the overall idea and meaning of the song. rock on and good luck with future pieces!

*hailey*

"i collect friends, i have about three." - ville valo

"listen, ryan's at it again. he just got stabbed in the eye with a fork and now he has to rock a pirate patch for atleast a month. its ridiculous." 'valo' *bam margera*


   
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(@rhythm)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 7
 

I like the song and the message, it flows nicely, I'd like to hear it put to music


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

thank you all, there are some good ideas so far, always lookin for more, and just so you know, this isn't about a she, it's about a he, cuz I'm a girl and don't go "that way", but I understand why at least one of you thought that, songs have different meaning to different people, and yes it's about a breakup with an old friend of mine, and afterwards, just trying to be friends and hang out, he keeps avoiding me all the time and giving me lame excuses for blowing me off, there are some good ideas for song titles, flow/meter, etc. keep em' coming thanx :D :shock: i love that face :shock:

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

I am soooooooooo bored, don't you people reply to anything!!!!!! I could wait a week and not get a reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Urgh....plz reply, i'm going nuts :evil: :!: :( :shock: :D

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@guy_d)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 16
 

overall I think u have written a good song which is let down by a flat ending after the bridge. dont underestimate the importance of a good conclusion

People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.

Bob Dylan, Love Minus Zero/No Limit,


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
Topic starter  

thanks, yeah, I know the endings lame to me to and I wrote it! I need a conclusion with conclusion, but I don't have a conclusion yet, I'm still going through what I'm writing about, but maybe I can think a good one up...hmmm.... :idea: get back to ya on that one....thanx

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@kc13088)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 50
 

Whoops! Sorry about that dragona, I'm not quite sure why I assumed you were a guy. No offense intended. :oops:


   
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