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Untitled Song..ready for some critique?

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(@theespprophecy)
Active Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
Topic starter  

Well this is the latest of what I've written. It has some showings of a love song, well almost entirely. Well..what do you think about it. Any critique, or and ideas to make it better?

I try harder and harder everyday
To be the man you want me to be
I'd give away my everything for you
I cant wait to lift you up above me
Life without you would be meaningless
I'd give my life away for one more kiss
I'll fight for you, and I'd die for you
I'd do anything to make you smile
I'd do anything to make me worth your while

You're brighter than the stars,
And you're warmer than the sun
I've waited for entirely so long
You're mine and I'm yours,
If there's one thing I know for sure,
You're everything I've ever dreamed

I want you to feel how I feel
I want you to hold your head up high
This love is pure, this love is real
There's no deciet and no more lies
I want you to see how beautiful you are
And everyone to know your perfection
I want everyone in the world to hear
About my everlasting love affection
I want the world to know that I love you..


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

hey! i really like it... I can connect with it sooo easily, infact it may have brought a tear (shhh don't tell anyone lol) I loved it though. I really wish i could hear what it sounded like though. hats off to you.

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

WOW

Hey put this to music and you will have all the females melting , hey I 'm serious very moving lyrics and bloody well written . My hat goes off to you , you ol swooner you .A very much a chick sort of song I feel don't be offended by that remark after all they buy just as much if not more on CD's then the mere males like me .Going by your name it's a bit hard to tell what gender you are so I am very careful how I repond not wanting to be offensive in anyway . Just thought it might be a female perpective on things but I usually get that wrong and no doubt I am again here.

BLOODY GOOD STUFF I LIKE IT :wink:

cheers

L.K :arrow:

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey,

Nice work. I love the message of the song. However, it is a bit of a mish-mash of great original thinking and cliche.

First of all, the following lines (or ones very much like them) have been done plenty of times before:

I'd give away my everything for you
Life without you would be meaningless

I'd give my life away for one more kiss
I'll fight for you, and I'd die for you
I'd do anything to make you smile

I've waited for entirely so long
You're everything I've ever dreamed

This love is pure, this love is real
There's no deciet and no more lies
However, the following lines are great:
I try harder and harder everyday
To be the man you want me to be

I cant wait to lift you up above me

I'd do anything to make me worth your while

I want you to see how beautiful you are

These lines show a maturity that most love songs I hear on the radio don't have.

I think the other lines need some work. You don't have to change the message, you just need to find a unique way to say it. What are some images you could use to show us how you feel?

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

hey its me again, just postin to say that I don't play any type of instrument or understant chords and all that stuff, I'm very much an 'listening learner'..I'm pretty good at lookin at the flow of the words in a song and singing a melody behind it, and that is exactly what i have done to your song.>I myself like it alot (and lotto, ur right, definately makes girls melt -- i would know ;) ) tho I am quite the mellow, sort of singer, I dont do anythin punk rock, and for some reason i have the worst time makin songs upbeat, so the song may not be how you imagined, but I thought i'd let you know that puttin a smooth, mellow, very warm/heartful melody to it works very well and definately accents the sweetness of the song that makes it 'heartmelting' .... anyway I seem to be blabbin and prolly repeatin so this will be it from me... oh yeah and did i say, i loved it!

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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