Here's a little something I wrote for a friend of mine. I'm sorry if the verses are laid out a bit sloppy, I wasn't sure of how to divide them into lines, seeing as I've read them so much, I don't have a problem with it anymore :oops:
Anyway, all comments and ideas are welcome! Hope you drop me a comment if you read through, if only to say hey :)
Walk away
With her eyes of innocence, she defines his thoughts of beauty
(and he said) she's the essence of elegance and grace
They would talk for hours and walk through the night, do things they'd never do
CHORUS:
I don't want to tell you, I told you so
[But I know you, she moves you, so you have to walk away] x2
You might say she's right for you, and I know you'll say she'll come around
but we both know whats going on, we've been there too many times before
And I'll sit and I'll listen, and I'll hurt with you
Untill I speak my mind
Bridge-thingy:
I know she's gorgeous, and I know her mind
So I know she likes you, but her love's not like your kind
You need to let go, oh, you need to let go
You need to find a new way on your own
CHORUS
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
man,
we've all been here haven't we! I'm not sure why, but it took me a few read throughs to get this, my roots must be showing!
The only thing I might say, is for me personally, I would like to hear more about your friendship. Like this part
And I'll sit and I'll listen, and I'll hurt with you
Really liked this part. Happy writing! G. :)
hey
better go bye
ha ha ha
Seriously though your song is very well written and is so... true to so many people .
My one and only problem is.."georgious," please tell me that's a typo for
"GORGEOUS "as in beautiful ? :oops:
other wise I am totally lost :wink:
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Gah, that's one incredible typo as well! I am truly sorry for all of you who read it and had to experience such a lack of spellchecking on my side.
Thanks for the feedback, appreciate it! :)
I've been thinking of changing the first two lines in the second verse, as I'm not completely happy with them, especially the second line. I need to change the words around a bit. Any suggestions?
Been thinking about recording it as well as it usually gives a better impression of the meter and what I'm reaching for, but my mic records my voice along with a heavy dosage of noise and I'm not capable of removing it because I don't know how :? Any ideas?
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
I put up an improved mp3, the old one was recorded on my mp3-player, so I thought an upgrade was required :)
You can find it at http://kwl.dmusic.com
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Dude ... that was totally not what I was expecting. I really like the way you distort your vocals ... totally fits the mood of the music. Just a couple of observations ...
"You need to let go"
I think if you changed that to "You should let go" ... would fit the rhythm a bit better. Also I think it would sound better sung that way with your voice.
After the "bridge-thingy" ..heh ..
"You need to find a new way on your own"
As soon as you finish saying "own" ... IMHO .. I think it would be kind of cool if you just pulled a dead stop on the lyrics and music. Then bust out with a percussive (palm muted) jam ... then wrap it up with the chorus. And maybe while you do this jam .. you just kind of hum behind it or something. You're voice really has a "Steely Dan" kind of quality of it.
Dig it dude.
You know I"ve been listening to this a couple of times and rereading it ... I get the point of the song .. but what I don't get is ... (drum roll)
What is so bad about this chick? I mean what is she doing to him that you see .. and he is too blind to see? You never tell us or at least hint at it. You don't necessarily have to be specific about it .. .but probably some more insight into your observations about the relationship would help give the listener some more depth.
As it stands right now ... I just see that there is this guy who is absolutely blinded by his "love" for this woman ... and his friend thinks that he should just let her go.
I think you give somewhat of a hint when you say "I know she moves you, so you have to walk away". Is this because this friend has been in similar relationships in the past and the end result is usually just not a lot of fun? So in essence, he is falling victim to his own traps?
Spill the beans, dammit. :)
Thanks for the suggestions sjboller,
"You should let her go" flows nicely, but I feel that "need" speaks more truthfully of how "I" (or me :)) feel.
As for after "you need to find a new way on your own", I really like that idea, but I don't have a clue what a percussive jam is :? Silly me :lol:
As for the message of the song.. I feel the line in the bridge
So I know she likes you, but her love's not like your kind
(I think I use "she loves" in the mp3) tells a lot, but perhaps it's not enough.
There's nothing bad about the chick, it's just that he's stuck on his feelings for her and she doesn't return them, simply because she doesn't feel the same. Few things suck more than being in love with a girl only to end up as her best friend, the one she comes crying to when -her- lovelife doesn't work out.
The origin of the song is that me and a friend actually went through this, promising eachother not to get into that situation again and to help eachother realize it if we did. Then he did anyway (with good reasons though, she was a -great- girl)
Hmm, I don't know if this was informing in any way. Feel free to ask more, I'll try to explain as best I can :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Okay that solves it .... I think you need to show somewhere in the song that she doesn't return the feelings he has. That would totally clear it up for me. Because really the only information we get about their "relationship" is from the first verse .. which to me ... sounds like she feels the same as well.
As for the "percussive jam" as I call it ... you could try just playing the chords of either the verse or the chorus .. but with a bit more power and a slightly different rhythm ... throw in some hammer on/pull offs .. or some palm mutin' .... and maybe with a little humming or "moaning" in the background or something ... dunno. Something there would be just a nice touch, I think. Or as you play the chords .. try to hit the notes that go with the melody a little stronger so that what you were singing comes out .. but with the guitar. I hope I made myself sort of intelligible there. :)
