Ok I wrote this when i was pretty pissed off.
Disease
My rage overbears and my hate makes me shake.
She is digging in too deep at the highly enraged...
Man of her release and hand that holds
the string of her life and the glory of her death.
The senseless emotion of the drug in my hate
creates my atmosphere and crushes all that apose.
Boil in the skin. A momentum that drives
me to my goal, and you to your demise.
Speak and seek and seep into the wrath.
Get trapped, and stabbed, and trip on the path.
She should run from the...
Man of her release and hand that holds
the string of her life and the glory of her death.
The senseless emotion of the drug in my hate
creates my atmosphere and crushes all that apose.
Your respects aren't paid to the greatest.
Drain blood from the vein. Returning disdain.
Your destructive aversion will trigger the pissed.
We're not afraid to overtake, decapitate, and cause pain.
You are the hated race.
You are the detest.
You are the despised.
You are the abominent.
You are the very disease I want to see die.
You are the demon nation.
You are the failure.
You are the remorse.
You are the pittiless.
You are the despising, ill-willed, murdurous b*tch!
Get trapped in my words and die from the poison they attain.
I am the...
Man of her release and hand that holds
the string of her life and the glory of her death.
The senseless emotion of the drug in my hate
creates my atmosphere and crushes all that apose.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
awesome man. It's just a little bit , just a little angry. but the emotion that the words project is intense and that is awesome. i bow before you.
Got Metal?
It might be difficult to get back in the mood to do any changes, but I think you could do something with it if you built on the rhyming scheme that exists in some places but not others.
I didn't understand this:
"Man of her release... "
I think the rest of the two lines starting with this bit are fine, but I couldn't connect with the first part of the first line.
Best,
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
Well the man of her release is me. The one who kills her. Don't worry, no threats here. I was very angry and I still feel this way (she insulted my music and everything that I beleive in :evil: ) Don't think that I'm a usually angry guy :wink: Thanks for your replies. Thank you lots, spug.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
Terribily angry but hey, it's real and I can certainly relate. :wink:
Depending on your delivery and the melody the rhyme scheme might not be a big problem. A song doesn't _need_ to rhyme but nonetheless I see the validity of that point in this song how a few small changes could really "lift" it, I guess.
A re-write is always something I think is necessary. I think that you'll find if you try to sit down and edit this a bit you'll get that anger back and maybe you'll be able to harness it to the point you can use it to fuel the writing and release it that way so as not to carry it. That's my ideal approach. Keyword being ideal.
All in all nice piece. Angry but real. Can't hate that.
- mdr
"And under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me" - orwell
